The challenge was to get through the entire day without apologizing. Sounds easy, right? Well, despite trying to consciously prevent myself from saying the “s” word –  I caught myself saying it on 3 different occasions today. Who knows how many times I said it without even realizing it. What attempting this challenge has taught me, is that I apologize for everything. In class today I apologized for asking a question about something my teacher had said. Later I asked if she’d repeat a part of her lecture, and quickly apologized for that request as well. Only about an hour ago I offended a third time, and apologized for being loud as I worked on my voice homework in my bedroom. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t apologize if you do something wrong, you should absolutely  apologize if you’ve hurt someone. What I’m talking about is apologizing for existing: apologizing for having needs, desires, questions, opinions. When the “s” word becomes your best friend, protector, and roommate: you have a problem.

There were also times throughout the day where I felt extraordinarily uncomfortable as I prevented myself from apologizing. The word tickled the inside of my mouth as I worked to hold it back. The feeling would pass, and afterwards I realized that the moment didn’t actually require an apology. In scene study class I unsuccessfully struggled to change a habit as per the instruction of our coach (exhaling before speaking). I kept getting stopped and instructed to restart whenever the habit bled into my work, but as I concentrated on I breathing I was also concentrating on stopping a pulsing desire to apologize for not doing it right. What would have been the subtext behind such an apology? “I am a failure,” “I am inadequate,” and “I am a disappointment.” It’s shocking to acknowledge the subtext behind your habits, but if you want to grow, it’s a necessary exercise.

Challenge:Monitor your “apologizing” for an entire day. What do you most consistently apologize for? and what is the subtext behind those apologies? I would love to hear your experience with this exercise in the comment section below, but don’t feel pressured to share. Even if you keep the results to yourself – I challenge you to try it, and then to really let the results sink in.

This exercise is all about looking at the ways you react to situations you encounter in your daily life. Cultivating this awareness is one of the first steps to personal growth. How I interact, and how I project myself on to others is something that I (and you) have a great deal of control over. I can choose to do the work, and eliminate the habitual use of “I’m sorry” (there, I said it) from my vocabulary. Doing this will force me to take responsibility for my actions, and this is the first step in changing my paradigms. I am not a secondary person, and neither of you. Never apologize for being alive.