Welcome to the “The Positivity Project.” As I write this first post, let’s be honest, I’m still trying to figure out how this whole concept is going to work. I actually finished formatting this website almost two months ago, and even wrote some preliminary posts for it. Two days ago I decided to delete those posts and start from scratch – there was a problem: my first attempt at this website lacked direction. How long is it going to take me to work through Stephen Covey’s book? What is my mission statement for the project? What does mastering “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” look like? and how will I know when I reach this goal? These were some of the questions that I had neglected to answer, but I’m going to answer them now.

The first thing I did, after realizing that I needed to rethink my execution of this project, was compile an outline that divided the length of the project into weeks. Each week will have a very specific focus that is directly related to the mastering of one of the 7 habits. To view this outline, click here.

Then came the question of a mission statement. What do I hope to achieve by means of this website? Well, I personally hope to achieve personal growth, but I also hope to demonstrate how possible personal growth can be. Maybe you believe that you are who you are, end of story. My aim is to explode that myth. You are not your thoughts, you are not your past, and you have the potential to do amazing things. Using myself as a guinea pig, my mission is to document the progress that can be made if you truly invest in yourself and (for project one) commit to mastering “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” Self-assured, confident, and interdependent – these are the words which summarize the characteristics of a person who has mastered these habits.

Finally, how will I know when I reach my goal? If in 36 weeks (or by the first week of January 2013) I have booked my first principle role, and earned more than $7,000 in one month (I currently earn just over $1,000 a month) I will have succeeded in Project One.

So, lets begin:

I feel that in order for this project to work the way that I intend it to work, I need to kick it off with an embarrassingly honest post where I lay it all down. Without a clear starting point, any growth that I experience will not be recognizable.

There is a story that we tell ourselves, and this “story” determines the choices we make, and therefore the direction that our lives take. What’s the story that I tell myself? At the end of this exercise I’d also like to ask an alternate question: What is the story I’m going to start telling myself, and how will that change my life?

The “Story” that I tell Myself

My life so far has been characterized by a very specific theme: victim. When I was 6 years old my parents divorced, and the next 6 years of my life were riddled with supervised visits with my father, and 4 different elementary schools. Moving became a somewhat normal occurrence. I even think I relied on it a little bit. Moving provided me with an escape: if there was something in my life that wasn’t going well (I wasn’t being perceived by my peers the way I wanted, or I’d had something embarrassing happen to me, or I’d gotten into a fight or disagreement with someone I knew) I  found comfort in the certainty that we’d be moving soon and I could start over in a new environment. This made it very easy for me to escape conflict.

1. “I am a child of divorced parents who moved around a lot growing up, and this resulted in my introverted, shy, and escape driven personality.”

I was eventually diagnosed with clinical depression / anxiety disorder in grade 7. The beginning of Junior High was my lowest point. I felt as though no one liked me. I felt unattractive, insecure, misunderstood, and I was driven by an intense need for acceptance. I was a creative little girl, and was constantly writing stories and poems. My desire to be like everyone else was heavily contrasted by a sense that I didn’t belong. My memories are dominated by visions of myself standing outside a circle of my classmates, listening to their conversations and feeling incapable of worthy contribution. I can not say for sure whether what I remember is actually the true reality; regardless,  it has become my reality.

I have one specific memory of a panic attack that I experienced in grade 8. It happened in gym class after we had just completed a fitness test – where I had finished in good standing. I remember hearing people around me saying that I had cheated. That I had left the line too early, or that I had returned too late (the test involved running from one end of the gym to the other in the constraints of spaced out “beeps.” If you didn’t make it to the other side before the beep, you were eliminated). Immediately after the test we began a game of soccer-basketball. I made some sort of mistake or did something I wasn’t supposed to do. The groans of my classmates – that’s what I remember, and as an escape mechanism of sorts my body catapulted itself into the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. People were talking about me, blaming me for losing a point, my breath started to speed up and suddenly tears started streaming down my face. The panic attack made me into a victim, and that’s where I was, and still am, most comfortable. I leaned against the wall, shaking uncontrollably and trying to catch my breath. Our teacher towered above me, speaking calmly, trying to get me to relax. I was surrounded, and my entire class watched as I turned into a blubbering mess underneath the basketball net.  I am delicate – that was the message I gave to my peers with my very public display of emotional instability.

2. “I am fragile and easily upset, don’t criticize me. I am a victim.”

Grade 7 is also when I first expressed an interest in theater. Although I had always been fascinated with the art of performance, what first sparked my obsession was a need to pull myself out of my comfort zone so that my true self could break through the barrier of shyness I hid behind for protection. Fear and my devotion to its’ defeat, is what originally drew me to the stage. In the first show I auditioned for, I was cast as the nurse – a role with 3 lines of dialogue who appeared once in the second act of the play “The Outsiders.” I was shy, quiet, and insecure – I was not leading girl material. “I’m the secondary character to the secondary character” I would joke. I watched as my friends scored leading parts in our junior high and high school theater productions, and watched jealously from the sidelines as they performed. “I can do that” I thought. Again and again I got cast as secondary characters. I felt like a secondary person. Finally, in third year university, I scored the lead. Upon hearing the news I squealed, jumping up and down in my apartment. The next day that initial exhilaration was replaced by guilt. My friend had wanted that lead role too, and I had gotten it over her. I felt so miserable for having taken the role from her that I considered telling our professor that he’d made a mistake. I didn’t, thank god, because I’d already fallen in love with the character. This was my role, and even though it made me uncomfortable to be happy at the expense of someone else… I knew if I turned back I’d regret it. My life story is what made me feel guilty.

3. “My happiness depends on the happiness of others. I am a secondary character, and a secondary person.”

These 3 truths about myself have been very difficult to write, but I did not write them to invite a pity party of comments. I wrote this down because I want you to know where I’m coming from. I hope that some of you might recognize an aspect of yourself in my story, and that this will make the growth I am about to embark on easier to fathom for yourself. It took me a long time to realize that every single person I’ve ever met in my life is just like me, and that I’m just like them. We all have insecurities, dreams, and weaknesses. You are not alone. I am not alone.

REWRITE

When I was 5 years old I had a reoccurring nightmare where a monster living in my basement lured my family members down one at a time, and devoured them. My mother eventually sat me down with some pieces of paper that she had stapled together to resemble a book. She then gave me some crayons and told me to rewrite the ending of my nightmare. I began to draw: first I drew our house with the monster’s slimy fingers sticking out the basement window, then I drew about the monster’s tactics in luring each member of my family into his lair, and finally I drew my little toddler of a brother marching down into the basement and slaying the monster – thus rescuing my family from its’ stomach. My mom knew that I had power over my dreams, and 17 years later I now realize that I have power over my waking life as well – just as much power, if not even more.

There are 3 main affirmations (products of my life story) that have dictated how I’ve lived my life up to this point. They are in quotes above, and I am going to rewrite them now.

1. “I am the daughter of a loving mother who has sacrificed astonishing amounts for my brother, sister, and I.  I find enormous value in being alone, as that is when I am at the height of my creativity.”

After my parents divorced, I never realized that we were poor. I didn’t realize that one Christmas our presents came from Christmas Daddy’s and our food from the food bank. I didn’t know any of this because my mom did such a wonderful job hiding it from us. I had a wonderful childhood. My friend Nicole and I had a small birthday company in elementary school, and we worked together to develop terrible magic tricks which we were allowed to perform at the birthday parties of our siblings. I loved to read, and would sprawl out on our living room couch for hours reading “Anne of Green Gables” among many other things. My favorite movie was “Matilda,” and as the credits rolled at the end of the film I would grab anything within arms reach of me that I could read, and I would pretend that I was her – my childhood idol. I had a very normal and supportive upbringing, and although I enjoyed being alone, I have many fond memories of times spent with friends which involve labyrinths, sleepovers, and miniature poodles.

2. “I am a strong, determined, intelligent, and hardworking woman. I don’t, and never have, given up without a fight. When I set a goal for myself, I follow through.”

A little more than a month ago  graduated from Tony Horton’s P90X fitness program. I did it to see if I could, and through this success I proved to myself that I can do whatever I set my heart and mind to do. I graduated from the University of New Brunswick with distinction, earning a bachelors degree in English (Creative Writing) and Theatre. I moved to Vancouver from Fredericton, New Brunswick to pursue my dream to be an actor – it that’s not determined, I don’t know what is. These are the accomplishments I should be focusing on with pride in my every day life. Are there successes in your life which you ignore in favor of your fewer and less impressive failures?

3. “I am proud of the many successes I have earned in my life, and understand that there is more than enough to go around.

I would like to finish my first, and long, post here. I want to thank you for your support as I begin my journey, and I hope that you will share with me your suggestions, thoughts, and feelings as I iron out the kinks in this endlessly wrinkly concept. This blog is about my life, so of course it will never be perfect; however, my hope is that it will encourage you to strive for what seems impossible.

My first week begins with the repetition of my three new affirmations.

Wish me luck!