The next couple of weeks are about developing an internal comfort zone. I mentioned in an earlier post, that one of the things I’m afraid of is the possibility of success. Well I am making a pledge with myself today, and here it is:

“I will not avoid success just because I am afraid of it.”

I will continue to do things that make me uncomfortable, and learn to feel comfortable and unafraid of that tight feeling in my stomach when I’m nervous or excited. I’m actually experiencing that sensation right now. Isn’t that bizarre? Here I am, sitting in a cafe (a completely safe atmosphere) and experiencing the same physiological symptoms that I experience when waiting to perform.

In constructing this internal comfort zone, one of the things I am going to have to deal with is the concept of failure. I recently read a book called “mastering creative anxiety.” The author of this book suggests that you first define, and then redefine what constitutes failure for you. Learn to be unafraid of the possibility of “failing.” Learn to embrace the fact that you’re not going to do everything right.

So, what does failure mean to me?

1. Making a fool of myself.
2. Seeing the end result, and having it not meet my standards
3. Not doing what I told myself I was going to do.
4. Doing something incorrectly
5. Not being able to understand or manifest what is being asked of me.
6. Not being perfect

Right now, I feel as though I have failed when:

1. I sleep in and miss a workout
2. I forget my lines
3. I don’t get a perfect grade on a homework assignment
4. I don’t get recognition for the hard work I’ve put in (even if I’m happy with what I’ve done).
5. When I don’t confront my fears and insecurities, and allow myself to be used or ignored. For example, I failed myself when I was too afraid to speak to anyone at a public speaking conference I went to with my boyfriend.
6. When I don’t get accomplished what I said I would get accomplished.

Obviously I need to eliminate the definition of failure from my vocabulary. This quest to be perfect at everything is going to kill me. I can not live or work in the moment when I am concerned about perfection, and this certainly affects my performances as an actor.

I have set aside two weeks for discovering my internal comfort zone, and this week is going to be about finding strategies for working past this fear of failure and being comfortable with making mistakes. This is, after all, how you learn and get better.