Yesterday, I returned to a place I haven’t been in a long time. After school I found myself in a weird sort of mellow state – not because of anything that had happened at school, school was fantastic, but (I think) because I was feeling insecure and afraid (I’ll return to this later). After getting home, I went straight into the bedroom, plopped my purse beside the bed, and then curled up underneath the blankets and tried to go to sleep. I wasn’t at all tired, I was depressed – and I needed to escape from the world. I wanted to disappear. This was a feeling/experience that dominated much of my childhood. I felt separate from my body, I felt isolated, indifferent, my senses felt deadened, my motivation evaporated, time seemed to move very slowly. I laid down in bed at 6:00pm, and I didn’t get out of bed until 8:15pm. As a person who is always go go go, sleeping away my day is something very much out of character for me. If it wasn’t for Greg, I might have stayed in this state all day. He helped pull me out of the hole I had allowed myself to passively sit in. Yesterday I did what was easy. It would have been hard for me to talk honestly to myself (and acknowledge the victim-like behaviour I was indulging in), and so I pretended like my behaviour was completely rational. My higher consciousness was desperately trying to remind me that this behaviour and experience was a choice. I stuck my fingers in my ears and “la la la la’d” like a little kid. I didn’t want to listen. I went into this depression because of fear, and my remedy to this uncomfortable sensation was to return to a state in which I was comfortable – comfortable because I had spent so much of my life sulking and stubbornly dawdling in this very headspace.

Now, to return to what I said before about feeling afraid. The entertainment industry is scary, and believing that I have a place in this industry is even scarier. Believing that I could be an actor is scary, believing that I have something to say is scary…but yesterday I realized that to do anything else besides act and create would be death. I don’t have a choice, I have to face my fear and walk into my life head on. In the book The War of Art, Steven Pressfield talks about resistance and fear of success.

“The professional tackles the project that will make him stretch. He takes on the assignment that will bear him into uncharted waters, compel him to explore unconscious parts of himself. Is he scared? Hell, yes. He’s petrified… So if you’re paralyzed with fear, it’s a good sign. It shows you what you have to do.”

I was depressed yesterday because the old me had the new evolving me in a choke hold. “Just go to bed” resistance whispered in my ear, “just go to sleep and the fear will go away.” This week I feel like I’ve regressed backwards slightly as I have undergone an internal battle to take the next step forward. What is the next step forward? I need to be comfortable speaking to people in my field with confidence. Speaking about myself and my brand is something I am really struggling with… but this needs to change. The time has finally arrived to get those head shots I keep putting off.  I am always going to be afraid, but it is time to stretch out and allow myself to be afraid of bigger and better things.