What do I want to accomplish, and how do I want to contribute to society?

To answer this question I have broken my life down into three different areas. In my last post I broke down my values, now I want to take a moment to get a little bit more specific. Where in my life are these values important?

In my relationships I value:

1. Honesty
2. Love
3. Trust
4. Laughter
5. Being present
6. Reliability

In my work I value:

1. Hard-work
2. Persistence
3. Bravery
4. Silliness/joy
5. Creativity
6. Professionalism
7. Dreaming Big

Self-Nourishment – I value:

1. Self-Confidence
2. Being Grounded
3. Being Healthy
4. Self-Love

What do you value? Try breaking your values up into these three different groups. Seeing this written out on the screen really helps me to understand who I am, and it gives me a clear picture of how I want to be living my life. Going back to the book that I told you I was reading before (The Mindful Way through Anxiety: Break Free from Chronic Worry and Reclaim Your Life), the authors said something that really resonated with me, and I would like to now share it with you. The following passage is all about the difference between a goal and a value.

“Most of us have set goals, failed to meet them, and then felt discouraged and given up efforts to change those aspects of our lives. Even setting a goal can make you feel discontent with the present. Goals always point to the future, so they indicated that something about the present is unsatisfactory. Focusing on a goal can make us feel bad about how things are in the moment and can lead us to imagine that all will be well when we reach this future goal (which usually turns out not to be the case).”

Alternatively…

“Values refer to a process, a direction, rather than an outcome. We can engage our values in the present, letting them inform every moment… Values allow us to behave in ways that are important to us in the moment and to reap the immediate rewards of an enhanced life. Whether they are met or not, goals expire.”

Think about this for a second. Even as I am typing this, my mind is just blown. It just makes so much sense. I’m getting so excited about the concept I’ve just shared with you that I can barely type. I mean, I don’t know where to begin.

Ok, so one of my “goals”is to be on the cover of a fitness magazine (Like “Oxygen”or “Runner’s World.”) In order to achieve this goal, my body needs to look a very specific way. Now, I don’t think the authors are saying that you shouldn’t have goals, and that you shouldn’t have things that you’re working towards. I think what they’re saying is that you shouldn’t live your life in anticipation of very specific events – because no matter how amazing this event is you will always be disappointed. What you were so excited about will either fall below your expectations, or the initial thrill will pass quickly and you’ll be left feeling sad that it’s over. In my case, this is a reasonably big dream. Too big for mind to understand when it comes to going about my day and completing my routine. So what I need to do is set up a system of values that will allow me to both achieve this goal, but also experience satisfaction in the moment. The key is to feel happy all the time, not just when something unusually great happens.

So what values can I incorporate into my daily life that will allow me to achieve this goal? How about discipline, mindfulness (in regard to mindful eating), and health. Valuing health and mindfulness will help me to make the correct food choices in the moment, and to avoid activities or foods that I know aren’t good for me. Without this value, and with a goal that seems so far removed from my everyday life, it wouldn’t be at all difficult to adopt the mindset of “but this one treat won’t hurt me.”True, this one treat won’t “hurt” me, but if I want my body to change I should probably avoid it. Think instead “I value feeling healthy and full of energy, and I know that eating that hotdog will not make me feel this way.”

Today in Business class, one of my colleagues brought in a giant bag of mint chocolate m&m’s. They sat in the middle of our classroom the entire day (4 hours). I want to first acknowledge that eating a couple of m&m’s would not have hurt me, but this morning I made a promise to myself to not eat any treats today (as I have been on treat overload the last couple of months). I made that promise to myself, and because I value my commitments, I did not touch that bag of m&ms the entire day. That’s the key, find a value that’s important to you, and then stick to that value. Every time your values win over your impulses, your self-confidence will grow as you become more secure in who you are.

By living according to your values you have the opportunity to achieve so much more than you could ever imagine. In a weird way I think goals set barriers on what you believe you are capable of achieving. I have set a goal to make $7000 in one month, but maybe this statement is limiting, maybe I could make more. Don’t get me wrong, it is very important to make goals for yourself, but I think the goals you make should be open ended. Allow for the possibility that something better than you imagined could happen. Don’t say “I will make $7000 in one month” say “I will make at least $7000 in one month.”Then live according to your values and watch as the future unfolds.

Now, to go along with this last section, there is another passage from the book that I would like to share:

“lapses are part of the changing process. If we see these occurrences as a natural part of an evolving life, and as reminders that we want to revisit the skills we learned and the perspectives we gained so that we can apply this approach again in our new situation, we can make our way back to where we were before the lapse and continue our process of growth.”

The last couple of weeks I managed to be able to stick to a pretty strict routine of getting up at 6:00am every morning to do my workout. This practice gave me so much more time before school, and I really valued the me time getting up a little bit earlier provided me. I’ve had a lapse this week. Different from responses I’ve had to lapses in the past, I haven’t allowed any self-defeating talk this time. I’ve acknowledged that I’ve been operating out of my impulses and not my values, but I’ve also acknowledged the fact that I’ve been really tired. Learning how to forgive yourself when you’re not perfect is very important, because lets face it – we all make mistakes. Ultimately though – by living mindfully (moment to moment) and by my values, maintaining the commitments and promises I make to myself shouldn’t be that hard… right?

I’ll leave you with a quote that I came across this week:

“If you don’t like starting over, don’t quit”