So, today is the last day of my “Private Victory” section of this blog.

Although I don’t believe that I have mastered the habits completely, I am definitely a different person than when I first started this project. I remember writing my very first post for this blog. I was absolutely terrified to publish it, because I didn’t know how it would be received. After creating the site, I held off on publicizing my new creation for about a month and a half. It took me even longer to share my blog with my friends on Facebook. It felt somehow safer to share these intimate details of my inner workings with people I didn’t know. I was afraid the people I did know would be taken aback. In the past, I have been relatively closed off regarding my personal thought process and now (at least when I’m writing) I think I’m incredibly open.

Today I am going to take a moment to acknowledge all of the positive changes I have made in my life over the past 4 months:

I am 90% wheat free and a health savvy individual

About 3 months I discovered that I was mildly intolerant to wheat. Before striking gluten from my diet, I constantly felt weak and shaky, and would spiral quickly into starvation mode if I didn’t eat in 3 or 4 hours. I would then splurge on anything that was around me in order to quiet the stomach pains. My digestive system also behaved rather questionably, but I just sort of accepted all of these less than perfect symptoms as being just part of me. Ridiculous, I know – but don’t we all rationalize things like that when we don’t want to make a change. In class, my friend and colleague Katie noticed some eczema that I had on my arms, and said that she had recently learned that those bumps on your arm signify that you are eating something that you’re allergic to. I uncovered some allergy tests that I had gotten at the start of the previous year, and looked over the results. I realized that there was a 2 (the scale was 0-4, 4 being the most allergic and 0 being not allergic at all) next to wheat. I don’t know how I missed it before. My guess is that I probably saw it, decided that it wasn’t a big deal (as if there were symptoms, they weren’t severe), and then just continued on with my diet of peanut butter toast and copious amounts of pasta. I essentially love everything that’s made with wheat, and when I finally did decide to make a change a little part of me thought that it would be impossible. What could I eat? For the first week or so, I cheated a lot because I didn’t know what to eat. Then, as I began to educate myself, I discovered a plethora of foods that I could substitute in for my favorite snacks and meals. Since that time, I have really taken control over my physical fitness as well as my diet. If you were to compare what I eat today, with what I ate a year ago – I mean I’m basically an entirely different person. Maybe I don’t look different, but I feel different. 1 year ago I was chronically tired, and would fall asleep when ever my tush sat in anything even remotely comfortable. I also generally woke up around 11 or 12pm, and would go to bed somewhere between 2 and 3am. So much has changed since then. With the exception of this week, I have so much more energy, I get up between 6 and 7am almost every day, and I am probably 4X as productive and alert as I was before. Oh, the miracles of diet, exercise, and sleeping on a normal schedule.

I am now a published author… technically

I consider having a blog being a published author. People are reading words that I took time out of my day to write. Aside from the psychological benefits of working through my problems on paper, I also experience so much joy and satisfaction every time I hit that precious publish button after completing a post. Before I discovered my passion for acting, I was head over heels in love with writing. As a child I wrote constantly, and had a little notebook that I carried around with me everywhere so that I could jot down new and exciting ideas for short stories, novels, and poems. Although I am not yet getting paid for my creative output, I feel confident introducing myself as a writer and actor to those I meet. I am slowly becoming more confident in myself, and my value to the world. It’s a nice feeling.

I have found and improved the sound and resonance of my voice

When I first started the program at VAS, an annoying tremor in my voice made me sound timid and afraid. Over the last 5 months, I have been actively working on improving my voice. What I realized in that time, is that doing the vocal work for 30 minutes to an hour a day isn`t enough. You need to incorporate your new found resonate voice into your everyday life. At times when I was feeling insecure I would hang my head and my voice would creep back up to my neck. I needed to consciously prevent myself from doing that, and when I committed to being firm with myself, all sorts of things changed. My confidence improved, and I started to have an opinion about things, and a desire to join into conversations. The quality of your voice has so much to do with your confidence. You need to want to be heard. At VAS, I have been struck by the resonant voices of each of my instructors. It is definitely an asset/ necessity in this business, and I am well on my way to acquiring the voice of my dreams – even though I`ve learned to love my voice just as it is (something that I`ve learned is very important, as your voice is part of what makes you who you are).

At the beginning of this project, I wrote a very long blog about my paradigms as I saw them, and the new paradigms I wanted to incorporate into my life now. I would like to take a moment to revisit that now.

First, the old paradigms:

1. “I am a child of divorced parents who moved around a lot growing up, and this resulted in my introverted, shy, and escape driven personality.”

2. “I am fragile and easily upset, don’t criticize me. I am a victim.”

3. “My happiness depends on the happiness of others. I am a secondary character, and a secondary person.”

Now, the new paradigms:

1. “I am the daughter of a loving mother who has sacrificed astonishing amounts for my brother, sister, and I.  I find enormous value in being alone, as that is when I am at the height of my creativity.”

2. “I am a strong, determined, intelligent, and hardworking woman. I don’t, and never have, given up without a fight. When I set a goal for myself, I follow through.”

3. “I am proud of the many successes I have earned in my life, and understand that there is more than enough to go around.

I’m not going to elaborate today, but I just wanted to remind myself how far I’ve come. Even if I’m not there yet, I’m definitely on my way. Last night I listened to a Tony Robbins disk, and something he said struck me. He talked about how dramatic change doesn’t have to take a long time. If you decide, you can make a change right now that could change your whole life.

I’m going to enter into the second half of this project with the following phrases in mind:

BE BOLD

BE DARING

BE HAPPY