Yesterday I spoke a lot about self-discovery. After I published my post, I found my way on to facebook where I took a trip down memory lane and looked at some old pictures.I travelled (with my mouse) all the way back to highschool, and then made my way through the plethora of pictures taken in residence during the first year of my BA. As I was going through these pictures, I thought about how selective our memory is, and how we only see what we believe to be true.

Back in highschool I felt like an outsider. I was frustrated and down on myself, because I felt like (no matter how hard I tried) I just didn’t fit in with anyone. Of course, the fact that I tried so hard to fit in would have been precisely the problem. Who wants to hang out with someone who is desperate to please? Strangely enough, as I looked through these old pictures I saw something different than I expected. This is slightly embarrassing to admit, but I saw a girl who was laughing and having a great time with her friends. I saw a girl who loved to laugh, and who wasn’t afraid to be goofy and to look stupid. I saw genuine smile after genuine smile, and (when I looked at the people around me) I saw people who seemed like they enjoyed spending time with me. How did I miss that? How have I allowed myself to miss this my entire life? Why do I look back on these memories, and only remember feelings of isolation, anxiety, and rejection? That is the way we remember – through emotions and feelings. It would be impossible to look back on an event from your past and be completely objective. Looking back over these pictures, I was struck by the amount of people I’ve shut out of my life because having friends didn’t fit the paradigm I’d created for myself in elementary school when I was too shy to interact with others.
Paradigms I’ve fighting with, and am only now prepared to acknowledge are:

1. Making friends is difficult for me.

2. I prefer work to play.

3. I like being alone. I experience anxiety when in social situations.

4. I don’t like being the centre of attention.

5. What I have to say isn’t as valuable as what other people have to say.

My paradigm has turned me into a person who shrinks from any mention of a social gathering, because I’m (or in the past I have been) scared to death of social interaction with people that I don’t really know… or even people I do know. I feel like I need to live up to something, or that I need to prove myself. The entire paradigm is completely ridiculous – what do I have to prove to people who already love me. In life, all that you’re expected to be… is yourself. What’s the point of being anything else? If you’re true to yourself and someone rejects you, WHO CARES? Living a life of trying to please is not a fulfilling life – take it from someone who’s tried this method of living.
I remember a few years ago, when Greg and I had just recently started dating, he saw me talking on the phone with my younger brother. What he observed was a Christine who was free to tease, laugh, and who was not afraid to be herself. He saw a Christine who was more interested in her brother’s day and his accomplishments than in her own obsession with herself (I’m talking about insecurities here). Even now, there are few people that I’m as comfortable with as certain members of my family.

Tonight I’m going to a screening for a short film that I was in, and afterwards everyone will be going out for some drinks. When I go out, I am going to say the following affirmations to myself in an attempt to change these paradigms:

1. Making friends comes easily to me.

2. I both love to work and play.

3. I like being alone, but also in company of like-minded people. I love to engage in stimulating discussions.

4. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings, and being an active member of conversations.

5. I have something to say.

***

Fast forward a several hours later – I have just gotten back from the screening and I had an amazing time. I allowed myself to have two beers and really be myself. I talked, and I thought the above affirmations to myself over and over again. It worked – I will elaborate on all of this tomorrow when I’m a little less tired. I will try to sleep once the adrenaline has withered slightly from this incredible breakthrough.