Something pretty exceptional happened to me on Tuesday of this week, and after some deliberation I’ve decided to tell all of you about it.

A dark cloud hung over my head as I left my home Tuesday morning. My chest felt constricted and I was having a difficult time breathing. I looked around at my surroundings, and my future seemed bleak and uncertain. How am I supposed to get from where I am to where I want to be? I thought of my quickly dwindling bank account, and the rent that was due to come out in a couple of weeks. For the last months I have spent my bank account dry, and had to use my credit card. It’s not a nice feeling – not having any money. For the first time in my life, I truly felt broke. I finished getting ready for school and then I lay down in Greg and I’s bed and starred at the clock 9:15am, 9:20am, 9:25am – for the first time in my 4 years, and 5 ½ months of schooling, I did not want to go to school. If it hadn’t been scene study day (and I didn’t have a partner relying on me to be there), perhaps Greg would have had a much more difficult of a time persuading me to get out of bed to catch my bus.

Miraculously, I arrived at school on time. A blankness had overcome me that I just couldn’t seem to shake. I felt separated and alone – but maybe that’s what I wanted to feel. Maybe there was a sadistic part of me that was enjoying basking in my misery. Lunch arrived, and I hadn’t packed anything (both because of my unmotivated state, and also because there was no food in the apartment to pack). I looked at my options. I could go across the street and pay $8 for a meal… or I could save my money and have an early dinner when I got home. I really wasn’t that hungry (insert stomach growl). Instead of eating, I sat in the scene study classroom and read. I wasn’t really feeling up to being around other people, but I did invest some energy into improving my vibrations as I absorbed my novel. In the end, my efforts were feeble, and so were the results.

After lunch, my coach had me jumping around as part of our scene. The exercise actually helped distract me from my hunger pangs, and by the time we moved on to the next group – I wasn’t hungry anymore.

Money was clearly on my mind, and I even brought up the topic of money woes during a break in class time. Lack was all I could think of, and I wanted people to sympathize with me. No, I wanted people to feel sorry for me. Poor Christine can’t even afford her lunch – even if it was true, I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t experience a twinge of satisfaction at the fact that my life was currently as bad as it was.  Weird?… maybe, but I don’t think I’m the only person to have ever experienced such self-destructive behavior.

Here’s where things began to turn around.

After class was dismissed everyone left the room except for two people: Charles and Katie. You may have heard me mention their names before (a lot), and there is a reason for this. Never in my life have I met two people who are more selfless, giving, and inspirational (my boyfriend Greg makes this list as well of course. I am so thankful for his patience, understanding, and constant encouragement as I overcome my fear of success) in my life. I am so blessed to have these people around me everyday.

I (perhaps selfishly) confided in these two people my decision to omit lunch from my diet, and I was met with a reaction that I didn’t actually expect. Instead of being met with sympathy, I was met with proactivity (and a little bit of anger): “Okay, you’re having trouble with money. Now, how can we change that?” Both of my friends were exceptionally generous in their efforts to help me, and I deflected their efforts without any hesitation. They offered me help and I curled into myself and shook my head vigorously: NO! I didn’t want help! I didn’t need help!! I would find a way out of this myself. Originally I think I thought of their generosity as charity – but I think my resistance had deeper roots than that.

“Why won’t you let us help you?”

“You are so closed off from everyone.”

“Why can’t you see how much people love and admire you?”

My mind could not compute that they were saying this to me. How could they know me so well? Greg had spoken to me like this before, but never before had someone else.Was that brick wall I felt pushing against my chest visible to everyone? I’m shy! I’m not closed off. I’M SHY! Oh, the lies we tell ourselves so that we can be content with mediocrity.

 Emotion from deep inside of my core catapulted itself out of me. I felt like something of a caged animal rattling the bars of it’s prison but secretly afraid of the lock breaking. Was I putting on a show? That thought actually passed through my head as I slobbered and bawled and still tried to say “no” to their help. I was present and observing myself at the same time. My emotion surprised and confused me. I didn’t even recognize myself, and I feel as though my soul or essence or whatever you want to call it escaped my body for a moment. Katie and Charles were forcing me to face myself, and I didn’t like it. I want you to stand up and I want you to scream:

“I DESERVE IT!”

I wanted to do it! I wanted to say it so bad. I opened my mouth and I hit a wall. I couldn’t say it. I started gagging, and I became even more of a mess. I was a terrified animal who had been shown how to escape, but was afraid of what would be on the other side of those god damn bars. I tried once, twice, NOTHING! Charles and Katie tried to coach me “Say it with us.” I couldn’t do it… and then in the quietest of whispers “I deserve it.” They did not waste any time after even the smallest of breakthroughs.

“STAND ON THAT CHAIR AND SCREAM IT AS LOUD AS YOU CAN 3 TIMES”

What? You want me to do what? I didn’t resist. I stood up on that chair stared at the wall opposite me, and then keeled over gasping for breath. So close, I was just so close. My mind was going crazy. I wanted to throw-up, run away, and die all at the same time… but a bigger part of me shoved away the demons and whispered in  my ear “you can do this.” Yes, I thought to myself. I can do this.

“I DESERVE IT”

I bellowed. “YES!” They screamed. Again. Again.

I was crying harder than ever at this point. I could hardly stand. I tried again and nothing came out. The voice returned. “Breathe. Surprise them, no… surprise yourself.”

“I DESERVE IT”

I screamed even louder. My voice hoarse.

“One more time” those two little and tall trouble makers called.

I had said it twice. I could say it one more time. Make the last one count, I thought to myself. I needed to make this last one count.

“I DESERVE IT!!!!”

And with that I collapsed off the chair into the waiting arms  of two of the greatest friends I have ever had. I stood on the ground white, shaking, and wanting to puke (I actually let out a delicious burp after all of this was over. Come on, I need some sort of comic relief after all of this).

I want to conclude this post with a statement and a quote. The statement being, that I hope that I can someday be as selfless and giving as the people who I have some how been privileged enough to attract into my life.

The quote:

Each one of us possesses everything we need to be who we were meant to be. Locked inside each paralyzed heart is enough love to save the world. The key is in your possession. (Lavinia Plonka, What are you afraid of?)