You can be whoever you want to be. As I walked through the halls of my school today, I wore a huge smile and walked with a little bit of a skip in my step. When my friend provided with me a warm lunch, and my coach offered me her sweater (because I was cold), I did not turn down their generosity, but accepted their gifts with a smile. When I met someone new, I introduced myself with confidence (making use of my full voice) and invited them into a conversation. I “pretended” like I had something to say, and quickly began to interact with the people around me in an entirely different way. Maybe I was imagining it, but I felt people looking at me differently as well. As I made my way towards Starbucks (for my bi-weekly Actor’s Goal Setting Group) I genuinely felt like a different person.
This got me thinking. Am I lying to those around me by putting on this face? Then I remembered a conversation that I’d had with my friend Katie earlier that week. I had confided in her, and told her that I thought my fear of creating close connections with others was rooted in my belief that I was being untruthful with those around me, because I was neglecting to share events (that I’m not proud of) from my past with them. Katie looked at me, and said (I’m paraphrasing): “you are constantly evolving. You are not the same person you were back then.” Her words made a light bulb turn on in my head. Wait a minute, I thought, I don’t have to be dragged down by mistakes I made when I was a teenager (insert sound of breaking glass as many of my paradigms were shattered). I can be who ever I want to be. I am not lying by behaving confidently. Actually, by keeping quiet, swallowing my opinion, and trying desperately to please others I am lying – because I am not behaving in a manner that is true to my beliefs. I had an amazing and fulfilling day today, because I gave myself permission to just enjoy life.
In my last post I told you that I was reading a book titled What Are You Afraid Of?
The assignment:”Sit down with your notebook or a sheet of paper. Make two columns. Head the first column “Issues,” the second column “What are you afraid of?” Then let your mind wander for a few minutes. Without thinking too much, in the first column quickly list five unfinished/unresolved issues hanging over you. Under the second column, write down the fear that pops up next to each issue.
I am afraid of a lot of things, but mostly I am afraid of failure and I am afraid of change. Moving forward, I need to acknowledge that these fears exist and move forward anyway.
Try the exercise yourself. Did you discover anything new about what prevents you from completing the tasks on your “to-do list?”