I want to tell you a little bit about my day yesterday. My alarm went off at 6:00am, and I finally rolled out of bed at 7:00am after pressing snooze once… twice… five or six times (I’ve gotten really bad at that, but this morning I only pressed the snooze button once and had time for a 25 minute interval run in the morning before work). When I finally got into the shower, I was completely exhausted. The warm water sprayed over my body, and I closed my eyes – 10 minutes later I woke up (I’m talented like that), quickly finished off my shower and stepped out into my warm room. The bed looked so inviting, and I decided to set my alarm for five more minutes and laid back down. This time I managed to listen to the beeping, and five minutes later rolled out of bed again and finished my morning routine. Once finished I went to the kitchen to make myself some breakfast to pack away for later. At 8:50am I had a blood test (joy) and I had to fast for 10 hours prior, so breakfast would have to wait.

I HATE NEEDLES! I remember my mother taking me to get a flu shot when I was in middle school, and I hid underneath the table in the doctor’s office. This of course riled up my younger brother and sister who were also waiting to get their flu shots. In short, I made the entire experience impossible. We all eventually did get our shots, but I think my resistance probably made it hurt worse than it would have had I been more compliant. This is what I thought about as I walked towards the clinic. Be compliant, don’t make a fuss about it, you’ll barely feel it. Despite trying to be positive, I was absolutely terrified. Sitting in the waiting room was even worse. I tried to read my book, but all I could think about was that plastic band they tie around your arm. I shudder as I think about it even now. 15 minutes after arriving they called me in. I didn’t take my jacket off (and expose my bar arm) until the nurse came and told me to. My audition coaches (Dan Bacon’s) words came to mind: “breathe, just breathe.” So I uncurled my arm, looked in the opposite direction, closed my eyes, and concentrated on inhaling and exhaling full breaths. This was just like an audition – mind over matter. The nurse was impatient, just like a casting director might be (I imagine). She had a lot of patients to go through that day, and she didn’t have time for irrational fears and anxiety. I’m proud to say that I only shrinked my arm away once. I was all set, in the zone and ready to go, when the nurse asked me to clench my fist. For some reason this threw me off, and I had to hug my arm to my chest for a moment while I regained my composure. Somehow I found the courage to put my arm back on the table, and I breathed. Before I knew it, it was over, and I didn’t even feel it.

On my way to school I grabbed an orange juice at a 7/11 and a salad at Choices (my home was bare of groceries). Throughout the rest of the day I had an irrational fear of bending or lifting anything with the arm that the needle had gone into. I was afraid that I would burst something or… I don’t know. It really doesn’t make any sense. Can any of you relate to this experience?

Even more physically exhausted than I was before, I struggled to remain alert during my Business Class. I had been in a weird state the last 3 days, and yesterday was even worse than the previous two days had been. I felt disinterested, devoid of passion, and morose.  I was unmotivated to answer the questions asked by my business coach, and I felt unable to contribute to the class in any meaningful way.  In the afternoon we did an exercise where we simulated an initial meeting with an agent with our business coach. With just over $2.00 left in my bank account, I couldn’t afford to get a coffee and I struggled to keep my eyes open as the afternoon progressed. I didn’t want to go up and sit in the hot seat with my coach for several reasons. First of all, I didn’t feel present. Second, I didn’t know what I would say. At that moment in time, I didn’t know how I would respond to the question “why do you want to be an actor?”  Why did I think I had what it took to be an actor, when so many others have tried and failed? What makes me so special? These are 100% not the thoughts you want to be having. They serve no purpose, and they do nothing to help you. There has been a little devil living on my shoulder for the past three days, whispering nasty things in my ear, and sucking my spirit from my soul with a straw. This business demands that you believe in yourself, and this is an ingredient that I need to add to the recipe that makes up who I am (man, I am filled with interesting imagery today). How can anyone else believe in me, if I don’t believe in myself? You teach people how to treat you – that’s the main thing.

This week is about delegation. On Wikipedia, delegation is defined as: “the assignment of authority and responsibility to another person to carry out specific activities.” Maybe I’m using delegation in the wrong way in this following example, but I think delegation could also mean allowing others to help you. Realizing that you don’t have to do it all on your own, and sometimes it’s okay to take the hand of a colleague, teacher, or friend. You shouldn’t lean on people, or depend on them for your happiness, but occasionally it’s okay to accept a leg-up.

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Business class thinking all these negative and terrible thoughts about myself, my friend Jeremy turned in my direction and gave me a high-five. This simple gesture reminded me that I was not in this alone, and that I was surrounded by people who cared about me and who want to see me do well. I feel the same way about them, and even if I’m wrong about them, how can thinking that way hurt me? Sometimes I think people are afraid to think positively (myself included) because they are afraid of being wrong, or being viewed as naïve – but when you step back, as long as you’re happy why does anything else matter? Obsessing and concerning yourself with what other people are thinking or feeling serves no purpose. Love yourself, own your voice, and embrace the difference you can make in the world – these are words to live by.  

After school I had to go to work at the gym. My head was pulsating, and I did nothing to conceal my morose stare as I looked out onto the gym floor. There was an enormous amount of pressure between my eyes – I imagined that if I were to stick a needle into my forehead, a hiss of air would have escaped like a balloon slowly deflating. I day-dreamed of going home, and going straight to bed – all I wanted to do was sleep. Then, about half-way through my shift – a colleague came into the gym. We talked about audition class, and laughed about how difficult it was to drink a cup of coffee for our fake Tim Horton’s audition at the start of the week.  Maybe it was Tristan’s positive attitude, maybe it was because (by bringing up acting) he got me to smile and laugh – but after he left my headache immediately began to dissipate. It’s amazing what a smile can do – I mean, it changed my entire mood. I suddenly became consumed with a renewed sense of motivation, and I took a piece of white paper out of the printer and made a plan for what I wanted to accomplish over the weekend. On my walk home, after work, I threw on a Kyle Cease podcast. This motivated me further, and I was feeling incredible by the time I stepped through my front door. I wanted to feel better still, so I put in a Tony Robbins disk. My mood got increasingly better as the night went on – my fatigue was gone, my love of life renewed.