Have you ever committed self-sabotage. It is likely that you wouldn’t realize it if you did, and you may have blamed those failures on external factors. Sometimes it takes stepping back and really analyzing your life, to realize that it may be your own hand that’s holding you back.

When I was in grade 8 I had a chance to perform in a play called Chateau La Roach by Lauren Wilson. I was a very quiet middle schooler, and when I originally auditioned for a part in the school production… I didn’t get a role. Well, that’s not true. I got to play the rat at the end of the play – virtually the smallest role they could give me. Regardless, I went to every rehearsal for that show. One of the actors ended up missing a lot of rehearsal for various reasons, and I learned many of her lines by replacing her when she wasn’t there. I started to have fun with the role, and was soon asked if I wanted to split the part with the other actor. She’d do half the nights and I’d do the other half. The role was of an exuberant fortune teller.  Well, everything was decided and now all I had to do was be off book for the next rehearsal and the role was basically mine. I thought I had it (because I had done it so many times) and I didn’t put in the work necessary to be off book. I showed up at rehearsal and, well… failed miserably. Without the safety net of having the pages in my hands, I couldn’t get the lines right for the life of me. I felt humiliated. I had a fit on the rehearsal stage, and stormed out of the theatre. Why not add to the embarrassment right? Needless to say, I didn’t get the role. I realize now that there was probably a small part of me that was afraid to have a big role. Even though I wanted it, getting it went so against my paradigm that I actually committed self-sabotage to protect myself from this unknown. It was far safer to fail in the safety of rehearsal, than in front of a live audience. What if I forgot a line, tripped on stage, missed an entrance cue – although I told myself that I wanted the lead, a more dominant part of me was only comfortable wishing and complaining about what it didn’t have. The second it got it, PANIC… which is exactly what I did (although I didn’t understand this until now).

Can any of you relate? Have you ever wanted something (money, a job, an opportunity, a certain partner), achieved what you wanted… only to promptly lose it again. Yes? Then perhaps you too were committing self-sabotage. Step back from the event, and really look at the circumstances which led up to the loss. Be honest with yourself. Were you to blame? In the above circumstance I certainly was. Don’t get defensive here. You won’t solve any of your problems by avoiding them.

An excellent tool in analyzing and understanding your past behavior is free association writing. Pick up a pad of paper, find a quiet space, and write. Don’t take your pen off the paper. Write whatever comes into your head. I’ve been surprised by the buried truths which become unearthed by using this process.

Also, don’t forget that you are not alone. We’re all afraid. As you work towards your ambitions, you are going to have more and more people depending on you. It’s up to you whether this fact is exciting or intimidating. The choice is yours, but remember… it is only through facing your fears that you will earn the ability to live the life of your dreams.

“The only person who is truly holding you back is you. No more excuses, it’s time to change. It’s time to live life at a new level.”

– Tony Robbins