I feel that I have created an anchor in my life. A chain has sprouted from this anchor, securely attaching itself to my ankle, and as I make progress I can feel that chain tighten – resisting my movements forward. Alternatively, when I retreat the chain slackens and beckons me to return to safety –  to a place where I feel no resistance at all and, looking down at the pile of slackened chain at my feet, can indulge in the semblance of freedom, and in the promise of potential. The anchor symbolizes a world I know. A way of making income that is familiar and “certain” (via hourly wage), a way of interacting with those I admire which keeps them on a pedestal and myself below it, a way of working and behaving which I tell myself “will change once I’ve made it.” More and more, I have begun to catch myself living in the future, waiting for the moment and the accomplishment which will allow me to really begin to live. Today I needed to make some important calls, and I could feel the chain growing heavier. Even though I sat in the comfort of my home, my heart began to beat faster and faster as the phone rang in my mirror. In the grand scheme of what I wish to achieve in my life, this call meant very little – and yet at the same time the call represented a step forward in the way that I think of myself.

I remember walking to a movie with my boyfriend and friend several months ago. We passed an older gentleman complaining to a companion that he had moved to Vancouver from Toronto in pursuit of something better, but had found Vancouver to be just as bad as Toronto. My friend, Katie, laughed to herself and remarked to us “of course it’s the same, he’s still with himself.” This comment has stayed with me for awhile now. My job at the gym is the same as my job at the restaurant, just as my job at the restaurant was the same as my job at the bookstore. In all of these jobs, I chained myself to a position I was comfortable with. A hostess instead of a server, a receptionist instead of a sales rep, a secondary character instead of the lead. Always looking at the position that I really wanted with a feeling of in-attainability. Worse, when I did achieve what I wanted, I would regard the accomplishment with intense feelings of guilt – wasn’t there someone more deserving of this success than I? Why had they given it to me? I jump from part-time job to part-time job, hoping to find what I lacked in the job before it. Respect? Pride? But of course I have never found those things, as I am still with myself, and up until this point my ego has worked so tirelessly to keep my “I” in a state of fear and unworthiness. As I now search for an agent to represent me in my career, and for a part-time job which doesn’t drain me of my spirit I, for the first time, am glaringly aware of this anchor.

This awareness has come with a decision. The decision: to gather all of my strength, and lift this anchor from the bed it has lied in for far too long. Once lifted, if we are to remain with this metaphor, my ship will be free to sail wherever “source energy” pleases it to sail. The waves may be rocky, and I may sometimes find myself lost, but at least I will be moving forward. I am tired of searching for comfort and security. The racing heart I experienced earlier today, that is the feeling/sensation that I will seek out. Only through facing your fears can you grow. Only by lifting your anchor can you explore the possibilities of this world, and realize your full potential.