For my artist’s date this week, I watched a movie all by myself. After getting home from work last night, I perused Netflix for a few minutes before deciding on “The Reader” (a movie that won Kate Winslet an Oscar for Best Actress).  I wrapped myself in a blanket, relaxed back onto our couch, and pressed play. As soon as the movie started I was hooked. I experienced so many different emotions from its beginning to its end: embarassement, sadness, happiness, and fear. The weirdest part, there was no one around to validate my emotions. I realized, as I sat alone on the coach, how often I turn to people to confirm my own emotions or experiences. It’s as if I need their approval before I can feel a certain way, or as if I can’t like/enjoy something unless someone else likes it as well. Likewise, if I don’t enjoy a movie (or even a book), but have previously learned that it received favorable reviews, I find myself feeling badly for my own opinion. I’ll lie to myself, and try to convince myself that I liked it. BUT then, if someone I know agrees with my buried opinion, I’ll jump out of my shell in relief “I know! That’s what I thought too!” Why do I need someone to agree before I feel confident asserting my own opinion? Does my voice not matter? Of course it matters! Everyone’s voice matters, and it makes no sense to hide or attempt to alter your opinion for the sole purpose of pleasing others. So why do we do it? (Please excuse the “we”, but I’m hoping I’m not alone in this).
Maybe we do it so that we don’t feel so alone. It’s scary to stand out, and it’s scary standing proud in the completeness that is you. By resisting that little head turn to a loved one, classmate, coach, or colleague, I am asserting that I don’t need them to tell me that it’s okay to feel, that it’s okay to be who I am. Just the other week I was speaking to some of my friends at work about possibly going to see a movie in a theatre by myself, just to see what it would feel like. Both of them flinched at the idea. “I would hate to be that person who laughs at a joke that no one else finds funny.” Indeed, there is something that feels slightly uncomfortable about not having anyone to turn to for moral support… but maybe there’s something empowering about it too.
Are you like me? Test yourself. Try doing some of the following activities by yourself, and check in with yourself during the experience.
- Watch a movie
- Go to a play
- Go to a concert
- Dance to some music
- Make a fancy meal, just for you (no one else’s taste buds allowed)
- Read out loud (as if to a child,but to yourself)
- Create a piece of art, but don’t show it to anyone.
- Write a poem or a short story (again, don’t share it)
Do you feel uncomfortable not having someone to turn to. I do, but I also feel liberated.
I am enough. You are enough. That’s all there is to it.
Great post!!!
I have been to several movies by myself. I actually quite enjoy the experience. I guess that way I don’t have to feel bad for convincing people to go see something they might not have wanted to (husband and I have very similar tastes in some things, and very different in others!).
That said, it IS scary to stand out. I often wonder what I missed when I don’t love a book that everyone else seems to be raving about, but reframing it in a way that says my experience of something is as valid as anyone elses sounds like a good way to get over that.
Mid last year we made the decision to take our eldest (7yrs) out of school and home school her, and that was hard in a lot of ways – I don’t have any friends who home school, or family, or even know anyone who does it, so we were really setting ourselves up as being ‘different’ with that move, though what was really interesting is that much of that feeling came from us, not from others. Our expectation is that when we don’t run with the crowd people will think badly of us. I am happily finding that many people are more open minded than you might think!
I really enjoyed watching “The Reader” by myself. I think it’s something that I’m going to continue into the future. Thank you so much for sharing, and I’m glad that the response you received for homeschooling your child was more positive than you expected. That’s the key isn’t it! Remembering that your experience is just as valid as someone elses. I need to remember that.
Thanks so much for the reminder – I’d forgotten all about my weekly artist’s date! And i remember, one of the hardest parts of it was going to galleries, or whatever the date was, by myself. But, thankfully, it does get easier to do, and it is a great Personal growth experience. Kudos to you! And blessings for all your creative endeavors.
No problem. I found it challenging at first too, but now I’m actually looking forward to them. I’m afraid that I’m going to run out of things to do though. I wonder if it’s okay if you repeat activities. I would like to go to another movie (in a theatre by myself this time). Anyway! Thank you for the blessings! Good luck on your endeavors as well, and I hope you pick the weekly artist’s date back up.
Aren’t Artist Dates the best? I love spending time alone, but I know what you mean about validating our opinion with others. It helps to remember that whoever you are waiting on for their validation is also probably doing the same. Also, great movie 🙂 you’ve inspired me to watch it again. Thanks for writing.
Yes! They are the best. That’s a really great point about how others are probably waiting from validation from you too. I never thought of that, but you’re right. I think it may be one of my favourite movies! It’s pretty high up there on my list, somewhere between “Midnight in Paris” and “Black Swan.”
I really enjoyed that film and I love the ideas you have noted as well. We (following your example) often need to be needed and validated. I know I struggle with needing it from others but am working towards self-validation.
It really was such a great film!! It’s such a strange journey isn’t it? I mean, no matter how much I understand what I need to do on an intellectual level, it seems to be a struggle for me to adopt this knowledge in real time. Sigh. I know it’s all part of the journey though.