When looking over this blogs stats today, I noticed that a post I had written several months ago was receiving a lot of views. The title of the post was “I Stuck my Fingers in my Ears and “la la la la’d” like a Little Kid.” I wrote this post almost a year ago on July.25, 2012. One of the reasons this post has grown in popularity is that several people have been googling that expression. Still, I have to wonder why this post risen to the top of the viewing list now?

This is the week that I’m supposed to read over my morning pages, and if I’m being honest… I’ve been avoiding this task like the plague. I’m  afraid to delve into this momentous task because I’m afraid of what it might bring up.  Still, I’ve set it at the top of my priorities for tomorrow. Getting back on topic, seeing this post uncovered compelled me to read it. It was weird to hear the voice of the Christine from a year ago. So different, and yet so similar. Here’s where the synchronicity occurred: I have a lot of big things happening in my life right now, and yesterday I found myself in a state that was very similar to that which I spoke of in this post from the past. My life felt very heavy. I felt filled with doubt. Only a day later, I can appreciate that the emotion that overwhelmed me, as I walked home from my cancelled spin class (only one person showed up to take it. I didn’t get paid, but I coached my one student through a spinning workout irregardless), was fear. I was experiencing resistance towards this speed. It’s almost as if my consciousness caught up to me, and slammed on the breaks. “WOH!” It said “time to fit some reality into your busy schedule. Who do you think you’re fooling?”

I battled this pain body all day yesterday. In a weird way it felt good to return to that depression. It was familiar and safe. Comfortable – maybe that’s the word. As I got ready for bed last night I felt aimless and disoriented. It took me a long time to get to sleep, so I had some time to do a little bit of thinking. Safe doesn’t mean good. Maybe by staying in this state I would keep myself from failing, but then do I want that?  Maybe risk isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe I need to quiet my mind and ignore all the reasons why it’s not possible. Before shutting my eyes  I made a promise with myself that tomorrow (today) would be a good day.

I lived up to that promise. I woke up early, went to the gym, cleaned my office, studied 10 page in my Personal Training textbook, worked for 3 straight hours on my one-act play, and attended my very first singing lesson.

When I arrived at my singing lesson, the instructor asked me about my previous experience and my goals. I told her “I don’t really have any previous experience or any natural talent… but I want to perform musical theatre so I’ve started taking dance and now singing lessons.” I want to tell you that I said this boldly and unapologetically, but I’d be lying. My words were drowned in apology. “Is this an okay goal? – that was my subtext. “I don’t have any real talent” I told her – a statement she quickly contradicted as our lesson began: “you have a natural ear for pitch and a natural ability to switch from your chest to your head voice” she said. This made me feel good. When I told her my goals she did not scoff even a little bit, but seemed excited about my ambition – regardless of how meekly I communicated it to her. “Action is the first step” she told me. Of course.

The more afraid I become, the more I’m learning to channel that fear and that energy into action.

I have wanted to dance and sing my entire life, and now I am actively taking lessons for both. It’s never too late to learn something new.

It’s been one year since I wrote this post, and I’m proud to say that I’ve taken the majority of my finger out of my ear. I’m still continuing to la la la to my hearts content… only this time instead of drowning out my identity, I’m asserting it. It may not be the prettiest voice in the entire world, but it’s my voice. It’s MY voice.