I had a brief episode of intense “presence” today. It sounds like I’m telling you that I had some sort of crazy attack-type-thing, so maybe I should elaborate? I audited an audition class earlier (which was incredible by the way – it felt so good to be back in an acting class and as a result I feel extremely inspired right now… but I digress), and I suddenly felt myself getting impatient. The class was four hours long, and I started thinking about all of the things that I wanted to work on after the class was done.

Actually, I’m in a period in my life right now that I could almost define as “the impatient period.”  I have created a habit of waiting over my phone in a constant state of nervousness and apprehension. Amazing opportunities are coming within my grasp, and I am terrified that they are going to slip through my fingers. I have this image of ‘the perfect life’ in my brain. I can see it so clearly, especially now, and I am working incessantly to bring this future state into fruition, and thinking about this future time and how much better my life is going to be once I have this job, and this award, and this connection. I think there’s a word for this experience… insanity?

Getting back to the beginning, I had this intense state of “presence” in audition class today. I was feeling impatient, and I suddenly stopped and looked at this emotion. It was almost like a lucid dream. I stepped away from myself, and observed this state of impatience and realized how insane this experience was. I was in an acting class. I was in exactly the atmosphere that I yearn and dream of being in. Then I really entered the vortex. For any new readers of this blog, I promise that I’m not usually this metaphysical, but I suddenly became intensely aware of the energy of the classes coach.

I’m laying it all on the table today: I have a problem with selfishness. This is probably an affliction that plagues many of us writers and actors, and I am certainly no exception. I have a strong tendency to get wound up in myself and my own insecurities, aspirations, and complaints that I forget about the other people in my life.

I’m not entirely sure how to express how I felt in that moment in class, but here’s my best attempt: for one of the first times in my life I felt as though I could really see this other person. I could feel his and my energies co-existing in this very specific time and space. I was suddenly consumed with an intense appreciation of how amazing it is to be alive, and what an amazing opportunity we have to interact and form connections with other people and other souls. Every person you meet has such a breath of experience behind them, and it can be so easy to forget or discount that – especially if you’re wrapped up in your own life. I heard a quote recently (I didn’t hear it on Dr. Phil, but that’s where it’s from):

“Just because you had your leg amputated, doesn’t mean my sprained ankle doesn’t hurt”

We each have our stories, and selfishness begins when we begin to consider our story and our experience as being more important than another person’s. Just as it is selfish to becoming so preoccupied with the future that you dismiss the relationships and the people you meet in the present, it is selfish to dismiss another person because ‘they haven’t suffered like you have,’ and because you don’t think they are deserving of success because they haven’t worked hard enough or lived long enough. Who are we to make that assumption?

It’s also so easy to dismiss what it means to have a relationship with another person. I mean, you both chose to share your worlds for an hour, a year, 5 years, 20 years – seriously think about that!  You could think about this as something that’s intimidating and scary, but you could also look at it as something exciting.

Living in the present means acknowledging that every person in existence got to where they are (or were) because of actions that they took in the present moment, and because of relationships they nurtured in the “now.” Do you know what impatience breeds? It breeds anger, and resentment, and it kills productivity and growth.

You can’t grow and you can’t love and appreciate life while you are selfishly waiting for the next better thing that is coming up.

I don’t know where this post came from inside of me, but I felt compelled to write it and it sort of spilled out of me in a weird sort of flow that I can’t really explain.

I was in a state of learning as I wrote this, and I hope that you read something that you can take away. In a weird way, I don’t feel like this specific piece of writing came from me.