As I sat behind the bike rentals desk at the club, moping, and keeled over in pain from my pre-menstrual cramps (yeah, I went there), it occurred to me that perhaps the reason behind my reliably unhappy state while at work is fear. Because of my education and obvious over-qualification for this job (I say this in jest, but seriously… it hurts my ego a little bit), I sort of feel obligated to be unhappy at my job. It almost seems like an injury to my potential to be satisfied in any way by standing behind a desk answering calls and plugging in tanning time (the phrase “I’d like a tan” burns in my ears).

When I’m in a good mood at work, the time certainly goes by faster, and I am significantly more productive after leaving, but the (perhaps imagined) patronizing looks of club members who have seen me stuck behind that desk for over a year cuts into my soul, and makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed by my good mood. I don’t want others to associate my good temperament with complacency. I kind of want people to know that I’m unhappy. I don’t want to encourage the belief that I’m going to be stuck at this job forever, and for some reason being a sometimes unpleasant employee seemed like a logical way of asserting this.

But, perhaps this belief is incorrect. Despite what I’ve told myself, maybe my negative attitude is a result of my fear that I will be stuck there forever, and that things won’t actually work out as planned.

I remember hearing a student in my grade 12 Science class brag to her friend, after being handed back a test, “I could be a straight A student if I tried.” As much as I balked at the entitled air of that statement back then, perhaps the same idiocy is at work in my brain right now.

It would be really scary to simply trust that I’m not going to be a gym employee forever, and to show up to work everyday with a smile. It would be really scary to trust in myself and my ability so much that I can arm myself with the strength to ignore the tones and looks of members who think I’m nothing more than a receptionist.

If you have ambition, know that you are more than your current job title. Being unhappy isn’t proving anything to anyone, but is only poisoning your own potential for happiness and your own ability to be productive.

It’s a hard lesson to stomach, and I’m going to have a really difficult time taking my own advice (as I said in my previous post, I sort of care about what others think about me). Still, I’m going to try my best.