There’s something about making important phone calls that scares me. When I know that my voice is the only thing that will get me what I want, my stomach starts to turn inside of me. Breathing certainly helps, and this weird thing that I’ve recently started of wiggling my toes (I know it’s weird), but regardless of what I do to alleviate the “symptoms,” they still burrow their way into my body whenever that call appears on my to-do list.

It’s annoying! The more rehearsed I try to be, the worse I usually screw up. I stumble and fumble my way to finally asking for what I want: a meeting, an opportunity, some empathy. Why?

Confidence. That’s what it always come down to doesn’t it? Confidence? What is confidence? I feel like I’ve spent almost the entire 2 and a half years of this blog trying to figure out the answer to that question. So far what I’ve learned is that confidence is related to how much you believe in yourself. It involves your resilience to being shaken and being “broken.”

This morning I woke up early to go for a run around the seawall where I live. I started fading as I rounded the corner on my way back home. I had about 4k left to go. Suddenly I started to doubt that I’d be able run the half marathon in under 1.45 (my goal). I started to slow down. I strained and tried to push through the doubt, but all of a sudden I felt exhausted.

Then I literally started saying, almost out loud (if you ever pass me on the seawall, I do usually look a little bit like a crazy person) “I believe in you.” I started to speed up. I finished my run strong and energized. I had a run like that on Friday when I beat my own personal best for a 1ok. I felt really powerful.

Seriously, how depressing (sorry to be blatant) would it be to realize that in your life, you were literally the only person who didn’t believe in you. That you held your own self back. I sort of feel like I’ve swallowed a jar of that liquid kids glue, and that’s it’s now turning into a solid goop-like formation in my stomach, when I contemplate that question. I don’t want that to be my reality. On or off the phone.

Am I the only one who gets “phone call jitters?” Please throw out your guidance! I’m all ears.