I feel like I’m having an existential crisis.

I spend a lot of time around numbered lists that tell me what I need to be doing in order to be happy. But… what does it mean to be happy? Have you ever stopped and really thought about that question?  Because I’ve been thinking about that question a lot lately, and it has me turning in my sleep. As the sun shines through my bedroom window, I feel the pressure to get out of bed, but instead I just stare and wonder…

What does it mean to be happy? Am I happy?

With so many big goals, it’s hard not to feel frustrated when I don’t seem to be moving very fast. I keep reminding myself that I’m consistently planting seeds, and that I can never know what’s sprouting beneath the surface of my life… but it’s hard sometimes. Does success make you happy? Yeah, I don’t think so either.

Shawn Achor says that happiness is a work ethic. It’s something that you need to work at everyday. It’s something that you have to train your brain to do. We all have moments of elation, but I think elation is different than happiness.

I remember what it felt like when I worked at that gym. In fact, I recorded a short video when I first got the job I work at now – at My Yoga Online.

At 2:27 I say this ” I understand now that I’m leaving, that I wasn’t ready until now. Everything happens at the right time… you’re never trapped. I felt like I was trapped. I was terrified that I was going to be a receptionist forever… but I just kept working, even though I felt like pulling my hair out sometimes.” My effort payed off, but only when I let go and allowed myself to be present, and to see the opportunities that were right in front of me.

Here’s the truth. I’m not making more money because I don’t see myself as someone who can make a lot of money. Making more money scares me. Being successful as an actor scares me. Being successful at anything scares me. Being looked up to scares me.  Standing up for myself and my beliefs scares me. Being creative scares me. Launching the new website that I’m working on right now scares me. Okay, so I’m terrified most of the time.

I’m beginning to realize that as long as I let this fear control me, and as long as I allow myself to break when faced with the smallest tap of rejection, happiness will continue to feel like wisps of smoke escaping through my fingertips. Sure, perhaps I’ll continue to experience bouts of elation, but that’s not happiness.

Happiness is a state of mind. I was elated when I recorded that video in September of last year, but then a few weeks later I wrote this post: Welcome to “perfect,” happiness you’re welcome to show up any day now.

I’m learning that gratitude is essential to happiness. It’s the one that, without fail, seems to keep coming up. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. When I recorded that video I was SO filled with gratitude, and I had exactly what I have now – a fantastic job and an incredibly supportive (and patient) boyfriend.

In fact I have more now. I hadn’t even been cast in Made of Stone yet when I recorded that video. I hadn’t even had the opportunity to study with Ben Ratner, and I hadn’t even developed the relationship that I have now with my mentor and vocal coach Mark Downey. None of that had happened yet, and I was thrilled.

I don’t know what the next step after gratitude is, but I reckon that it’s probably a good place to start.