I love to work. In fact, I might even have an obsession. Lately this obsession has gotten a little bit out of control. I have felt weighed down (and stressed, quite frankly) with the amount of work that I thought I had to do. I created a tornado of pressure and deadlines around me. As a result, I not only stopped having fun, but my constant exhaustion and finicky mind made it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Embarrassing to admit… but true. There were simply too many books that I HAD to read, too many skills that I HAD to learn, and too many events that I HAD to attend. Then of course there was the crazy way that time seemed to tick by without anything getting accomplished. Well, okay I was getting stuff accomplished… BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH!

More than anything, I felt overwhelmed by the amount that I thought I had to fix about myself. For example: the tremor in my voice (which for some reason still sticks around), my annoying tendency to please, the insane amount of tension that accumulates in my neck and shoulders, my laugh that is just a little too nervous and insecure, my teeth that deviously grind together as I sleep, my butt that never looks exactly right, the fear and doubt that I can feel behind my eyes whenever I speak to someone who intimidates me (or who I’m jealous of). Pause for breath. Actually, I think I’ll leave it at that. Neurotic? Maybe (definitely), but I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever picked themselves into a state of insanity. Please tell me that I’m not alone.

SO, after a week of feeling sort of shitty (even though tons of good stuff was happening around me), I had to stop and reflect. I needed to stop both for the benefit of myself, and my far too patient boyfriend. I came across this sort of awesome quote:

“If only we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.” ~ Edith Wharton

Sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh.

What was the point of all this work, all this stress and all this self-shaming? Well, obviously I wanted to be happy. But what were the things that made me happy? I made a list (I love lists): spending time with Greg, talking to my family, having excellent conversation with good friends over coffee, acting, writing creatively, learning, writing in this blog, running creative life, actually running, reading, watching movies, watching plays, cooking, doing yoga, adventure/travel, and sitting on the beach.

There’s a lot there, but I also think that this is a pretty well rounded list. My goal (and I think I’m on my way) is to live a life that is completely made up of the items on this list.

My brother, at 19 years old, knows a little bit more about balance than I do. He knows how to work, but he also knows how to play. On the phone today he told me about his 4 hour hike in the wilderness with a spear (in case he ran into coyotes). Maybe I’m not that adventurous, but when’s the last time I went for a hike? When’s the last time I spent time in nature and did something away from my computer. All of this is important, and yet play and adventure are two things I’ve never given myself the luxury of enjoying.

The other question I asked myself was: what is the end goal? What exactly am I attempting to do? Well, I want to live a creatively fulfilling life. I want to plunge into the game of life head on and see what happens. I want to live a life that challenges and scares me, but also one that is filled with laughter, moments of “wow,” and jumping fits of excitement and celebration in my living room. Above all, I want to live of life of collaboration, and amazing relationships with other people.

Maybe it’s time for a shift. Somehow I’ve been afraid to leave the comfort of my head for fear that when happiness arrived, I wouldn’t recognize. But maybe I was wrong… as per usual.