Milestone alert!! I went on my very first “work trip” last week. I currently work for a yoga website, and one of the amazing perks of this job is that we have a booth at many of the Wanderlust Yoga Festivals. We’re also a major sponsor for the festival, so in addition to getting to be there, we also got to attend as many yoga classes as we wanted. Well, okay… we were allowed to attend one during our 10-7 shift at the booth, but if we got up early we could also do one in the morning. Obviously I took full advantage of this perk. The Wanderlust festival I had the chance to attend was in Squaw Valley, California.
Maybe working at a booth all day doesn’t sound amazing, but it actually was. We were surrounded by free samples, positivity, tons of laughter, and SO many good vibes.
Really quickly (before getting to the meat of the trip) here’s what I got up to. I took a total of 7 classes while at Wanderlust. Three out of four of the days I jumped out of bed at 5:45am for a 6:00am class. Friday morning I did restorative yoga with hot stones (Amazing!! Although I think I may have fallen asleep for a second) and later in the day did a pranayama (breathing) workshop on the top of the mountain. Did you know that deep breathing makes you feel on top of the world? Especially when you’re already on top of a mountain.
Breakdown to Breakthrough
Saturday I did a beautiful AM hike at 6:00am followed by sun salutations in the grass. At 8:00am I did an absolutely incredible class with Kerri Kelly. She may be my new favorite yoga teacher. The title of the class was breakdown to breakthrough. The aim of this class was the development of anti-fragility. I believe she was referring to the ability to stick it out and to be strong for yourself. As someone who uses “fragility” as a tool for making it through life (people tend to be a little gentler with you if they think they can break you), this class was sort of perfect for me. It was challenging in so many different ways. In the beginning stages of the class she made us stay in poses (like humble warrior) for an uncomfortably long period of time. My thighs were burning and sweat slid off the tip of my nose and landed on my mat. I want to say that I held the pose for the full duration, but I gave up. I reached my breaking point and I straightened my leg… only about five seconds too early. I wonder how often I’ve done that in life?
I tried to celebrate my “failure” all the same (even though I found it hard to let it go and not beat myself up, something inside of me told me that someone who was “anti-fragile” was also their own biggest cheerleader and supporter).
About half way through the class, Kerri had us flow our own way for five minutes. She wanted us to explore our own practice by just moving with our bodies. Those five minutes lasted an eternity… in the best way possible. I blocked out what others were doing and I stopped myself from looking for approval and assurance. I tried not to care if I was doing it right. I just moved. I sweated and I discovered a sequence that made me feel beautiful. I challenged myself in a way that had nothing to do with muscular strength and effort. I challenged myself to be free. I’ll be honest, I find it very difficult to feel beautiful in public, but I want to share something with you: as I stared up at the ceiling in upward facing dog, I did feel beautiful. Later in the class she got us off our mats and we started to dance. I didn’t hold back.
Letting Go of the “Little Girl”
I took another class with Kerri two days later about starting a revolution and discovering/living your purpose. The class was about empowerment and about finding your voice. After a challenging yoga practice, some singing, and some dancing, Kerri and Suzanne Stirling had us enter the circle one at a time (to a beautiful drum beat) and assert what we were going to let go of. I’ve admitted to my “little girl” crutch many times on this blog, but verbalizing this tool/secret ignited something in my chest that exploded as soon as Kerri held my hand after I rejoined the circle. I said to the group:
“I am finally going to let go of the “little girl” and I promise to move forward in my life with strength and courage. I’m ready to embrace fear. I know that it will probably always be there, and I’m ready to be okay with that.”
I didn’t realize until I had said the last word that my eyes were squeezed shut. As I opened them, and let in a deep inhale, I could feel the tremors of emotion welling up inside my stomach. After feeling emotionally blocked for so long, all it took was Kerri’s outreached hand and the knowledge that she “saw” me for any semblance of “put-togetherness” that I was still holding on to to dissolve.
For nearly ten minutes I trembled underneath the force of this emotion. I felt embarrassed by the extent of my tears, and yet I couldn’t hold myself back. My body and my soul refused to be self-conscious and refused to be enslaved.
Why did I cry? I think I probably cried for a variety of different reasons, but mainly I think I cried because I felt an overwhelming sense of connection to all of these people who, like me, were allowing themselves to be seen. I also cried because I discovered something beautiful in myself. A line from Shane Koyczan’s spoken word poem “To This Day” rings in my ear: If you can’t find anything beautiful about yourself, then get a better mirror. Yoga is helping me to find that better mirror.
I will be going to Wanderlust again next year, but this time not as a vendor but as a full on festival participant. Til then I will continue to show up on my mat and in my life (and I end this post in the typical flourish that is slightly indicative of this blog).
