I don’t come home often, but I’m home now. Home is in Nova Scotia, and coming home feels like a flashback to a different time. A time when the three of us (my brother, sister and I) were children. Yesterday we tackled each other in my Uncle Morel’s lawn, practiced handstands in the grass, and laughed uproariously (always wanted to use that word) in the back of the car on our way to my Uncle’s surprise birthday party in Woodstock, NB (it already happened so I’m not ruining anything).

I didn’t realize how much I missed them until I got here. I mean, I really missed them. I left home when my brother was 12 years old and my sister was 15. Now they’re 20 and 22, and in a lot of ways it’s like nothing has changed. Except for, I guess, we’ve all had to make decisions about what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

Okay, I say nothing has changed, but I will admit that warming up to them again was a slow process. The first time they made fun of me I feigned some sort of weird grin/was too embarrassed to genuinely laugh at myself. I had my pride (the past can stir up some shit too)! But then… who has any pride when with family?  I remembered the resolution for this trip: No matter what, I was going to make the most of it and I was going to appreciate every second that I got to spend with my family. The result: I’ve never had so much fun and I’ve never laughed so hard and so often.

Yet, with the laughter came some tears. I remember Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability where she reminded us that you can’t numb fear without also numbing joy. Turns out that the reverse is also true. When I allowed myself to experience true joy, the experience of feeling emotionally blocked went away. The loss of my beautiful Aunt still triggers that feeling of warmth in my stomach that transforms into a warm face and a swelling throat. Being back here makes the memories even more present. Although it’s painful, it feels good to feel and to remind myself of how much I did love her. It feels even better to be surrounded by people who loved her just as much, and more.

At my last creative accountability meeting, our mentor had us answer the question “what would you do if you only had six months left to live.” I said I would spend that time with my family, and in that time I would make the decision to be joyful every day. I would sit down my sister and urge her to do something amazing with her life. I’d remind her that she was smart, and that she had every right to live a passionate and fulfilling life. We all do. I would do something crazy with my brother. I would take every opportunity to laugh and be silly. I have done every one of these things this weekend. And I still have until Tuesday to spend with them.

Here’s to many more adventures to come during my trip home. Something you’ve been putting off doing or saying? Don’t wait. Just do it 😛