I’m in limbo right now. Sometimes I’m insanely productive and sometimes I simply do not feel like doing anything but watching Netflix and eating copious amounts of chocolate. A dreary way to start a post, but I promise that I’m not in a pessimistic mood. More of a contemplative mood. After a really awesome coffee with a friend of mine this morning, I’ve realized that it really is time for a little bit of honesty and even more self directed compassion; all while listening to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” (which I am listening to right now and trying REALLY hard not to dance to in my seat at Starbucks… I’m failing. WAIT!!! I just noticed the guy sitting across from me doing the EXACT same thing… maybe to a different song? People are awesome!).

Getting back on track… I had this thought recently. I remember being in grade school: Elementary, Middle (we called it Junior High in Nova Scotia), and High School. I remember the belief, consistently reinforced by teachers; friends; and my mom, that this, what I was experiencing in that particular present, was not actually real life. Real life started in the elusive “after.” And so I went through school in a state of constant anticipation as I waited to FINALLY experience this thing that everyone referred to as real life. I felt it must be wonderful.

A few weeks ago, while ordering coffee, I started chatting with the barrista (she was around my age), and asked her about herself. I asked if she was in school? “No… I wish,” she answered. “Are you?” No, I smiled back. I didn’t elaborate, and she continued to talk. “We get a lot of students coming in here. They don’t know how lucky they are. They have a purpose. They’re all living in these little dream worlds. They don’t know what the real world is like yet.” I was struck by the discrepancy of these two narratives.

So what is this “real world?” What is this “dream world?” Are either of them real, or are they only narrative fictions that we’ve created to understand our lives? Fictions that help us to avoid living in the present, perhaps? Right now I can feel myself, more than ever, trying desperately to avoid the present and yet, in so many ways, I’m actually living my dream in the occupational sense. This has led me to this conclusion: these blanket terms severely misrepresent the human experience.

I recently read Alison Pick’s memoir “Between Gods.” On the surface, this book is about her conversion to Judaism, but on a deeper level it is about her search for belonging in her relationship, family, body, and religion. She was incredibly candid. She shared both the good and bad sides of herself, and bravely shared intimate details about her emotional, spiritual and even procreational struggles. I had an opportunity to speak with Alison over the phone yesterday, and I told her how I was inspired by her honesty. The stories she told were stories that I really needed to hear. Stories from another woman about real life things that she was going through. Thoughts that I felt embarrassed to share or talk about in my own life. Reading her memoir has given me a little bit more courage to be verbally honest with my friends. This is very important at this time in my life.

I haven’t been completely honest on this blog over the last month. Alison Pick’s book has given me the nudge I think I needed to be a little bit more candid about what is going on right now for me.

Over the last month and a half I have ended a six and half year relationship, started a new job, and am now preparing to move in just 5 days. Three extraordinarily stressful events all jam packed into a tiny little space. I’m a little bit stressed. I could continue avoiding the topic of the breakup on this blog, or I could just come clean about what is going on and move on from there. I really want to share the details about my move, and everything that is going to be happening from here on out. I don’t want to hide and pretend like this massive things hasn’t happened. It did happen, and as painful as it is, it’s a good thing and I know we both feel stronger for it. Sometimes a relationship needs to end in order for both people to grow and move forward in a healthy way. That’s what happened here.

With all this talk about real worlds and fake worlds, I want to be honest and say I currently feel stuck in a little bit of a limbo. The friend I had coffee with this morning had some great advice for me. “I think life is more fluid” she told me. Maybe I’ve been trying too hard to organize, fold, and sort out my life. Life is a little bit strange, extremely spontaneous, and a little bit hectic right now. I’m not entirely okay, and maybe that’s completely okay. I’ve strengthened my stomach muscles, and I’m just going to focus on balancing as best as I can. I’ll probably drop a few things (and have), but I know I will be fine.