Why is it so embarrassing to hum in public? I mean, I do it all the time, but when people catch you they usually look at you like you’re crazy. I routinely walk around the Vancouver seawall memorizing lines (ie. talking to myself as I listen to the other characters’ responses in a pre-recorded audio on my iphone), so I get this “is she crazy? look a lot, but the looks are definitely more prevalent whenever I’m caught quietly rocking out to a hummed melody.

In addition to singing/humming, I also love to dance. I am not particularly good (YET!) at either of these skills, but when I’m home alone in my living I can really drop into the experience of being in my body and my voice. If someone were to walk in on me, this luxurious feeling might not translate to the outside as being anything special, but these moments aren’t intended for anyone else’s pleasure. Dancing and singing are two things that I do just for me. No pressure. No “potential” (I’m starting to dislike this word. I’ll talk about that more in another post) I’m trying to live up to. I can do these things and just be me without any bells and whistles. I feel a lot of power in saying that.

Lately, I’ve been hearing more and more people talk about this shared experience of feeling like a fraud, faking confidence, feeling unsure if the person they’re portraying in public is the person they really want to be. Then, two days ago, a girl in one of my acting classes said something extraordinarily simple, and yet so profound for me at this time in my life. She said “I live my life for me.” I’m still thinking about those words. I can’t get them out of my head.

I had an audition yesterday for Fright Night’s (a haunted house attraction in Vancouver). Part of the audition was doing an improv based on some prompts they gave you with two to four other people. I remember sitting with the rest of the auditioners as that nervous stomach feeling started to work it’s way up through my body. This was supposed to be a fun audition, and I was getting nervous?? I started to get frustrated with myself. Then I remembered those words from class: “I live my life for me.” Suddenly I remembered why I do this. Why I want to be an actor.

I don’t want to be an actor to please someone else. I don’t want to be an actor because I like the idea of being adored or idolized/put on a pedestal (which seems to happen a lot in this particular profession). I want to be an actor because I am, quite simply, fascinated with the art. Since moving to Vancouver, I’ve read the autobiographies/biographies of Eleonora Duse, Sidney Poitier, Marlon Brando and Laurence Olivier, and I’m going to continue reading more. WAY more! For me acting is an exploration of the soul (I think in many ways dancing, singing, and even just living are similar explorations). If my soul, my essence, were born into a different circumstance where different parts of my personality were suppressed and others encouraged, who would I be? Then there’s the part of acting that involves truly affecting another person. Making an impact (another powerful statement for me).

Okay, here’s what I’m getting at in a super roundabout and maybe not particularly focused way. Life shouldn’t be about performance. It should be about exploration. An exploration into who you are. What you love. Who you enjoy spending time with. What makes your heart sing. For me, performance feels more closely linked with getting outside acceptance. Isn’t there so much more power in switching the “for” to “with?” Saying I’m going to do this play with you, not for you. I’m going to live my life with you, not for you. I’m going to be the full expression of who I am with you, not for you.

How does all of this relate to humming in public? Well, I think that we all expect each other to perform in a certain way. It’s uncomfortable when we see someone break cultural norms of acceptable behaviour (I’m specifically talking about behaviours that don’t hurt another person. Like humming). But it’s also incredibly confining to believe that we can all fit into this very specific box. Live isn’t about making other people comfortable. I think it’s about celebrating and exploring the full expression of who you are in every moment. So I’m going to start doing that.

By the way, I totally rocked that Fright Nights audition.