I want to share two books that have really inspired me this month. Those books are Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck (affiliate links).

Daring Greatly was written after Brene Brown’s TED Talk on Vulnerability, and in it she shares her research on shame, perfectionism (this one was incredibly eye opening for me) and connection.

“Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: “I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect.” Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think? Perfectionism is a hustle.”

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success is about the difference between those with a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. Those with the fixed mindset often live their life believing that they’re special — they rely on that. People with this mindset (like me) don’t ask for help because being bad at something interferes with their self-image. Competition, not collaboration, dominates their thoughts. Those with the growth mindset, on the other hand, aren’t afraid to ask for help. They recognize the value of applying themselves and practicing accountability and commitment toward the realization of their dreams. They recognize that just because their skills aren’t where they need to be right now, doesn’t mean they never will.

“The fixed mindset limits achievement. It fills people’s minds with interfering thoughts, it makes effort disagreeable, and it leads to inferior learning strategies. What’s more, it makes other people into judges instead of allies. Whether we’re talking about Darwin or college students, important achievements require clear focus, all-out effort, and a bottomless trunk full of strategies. Plus allies in learning. This is what the growth mindset gives people, and that’s why it helps their abilities grow and bear fruit. “

Combined, these two books are sort of transformational. Here’s what I’ve learned about myself.

I hide behind perfection and, as a result, I can be quick to jump into a self-defensive state whenever I make a mistake. I have a tendency to blame forces outside of myself for why I’m not creating and why I’m not following through on my commitments. I also have a tendency to be extremely hard on myself when I’m anything less than perfect… ie. all the time. I am quick to identify with shame when something goes wrong – thinking I’m bad instead of I made a mistake. 

I’ve been journalling for close to two years online, but a week and a half ago I bought myself a journal and started journalling by hand instead. I spend so much time at my computer, that experiencing that time with a pen and paper has been incredibly therapeutic. I’ve felt less rushed, and have found that I’m better able to access my internal states. Recognize which beliefs could be holding me back.

I’m Going to Be Late and I Have Two Choices…

On Friday I started work as a Zombie for Fright Night’s (more on this later). On the first day of my job, I was late. I left my house at 5:55PM to get to the PNE at 7:00PM. Everything should have been fine (I thought I’d be arriving 15 minutes early), but then traffic was backed up, the first bus ran slow, and the second bus was so full that it didn’t stop at the bus stop I was waiting at… twice. I was 2.5 km away from the PNE. It was 6:50PM.

Normally, I would have tried to avoid the issue all together. I would have prayed that things would just work out instead of taking action and making things happen. Then, I would have become frantic, defeated and angry. I would have drenched my self-worth in shame. Once I had successfully launched myself into victim mode, I would have called the PNE and blubbered like a little girl on the phone about how it wasn’t my fault. 

I was pretty close to falling into this old behaviour but, instead, I called the PNE Fright Night’s office, told them my name and told them that I was going to be about 10 minutes late. The lady on the other end of the phone said she’d let my supervisor know, I hung up the phone, and that was that. Then I ran the 3 km to the PNE and got to work at 10 after exactly. I didn’t let my self-worth become affected by being late and I ended up having a really great time despite an initial hiccup. I felt empowered.

I was late, but that didn’t make me a bad person. That just made me human. I realized that not being perfect wasn’t so bad and that (as Sarah Hager talked about in her post for Creative Life), people really don’t hold you to as absurdly high of a standard as you do yourself.

This was an important lesson for me. Anyone else have a similar experience they’d like to share?