I feel as though I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at this moment in my life. Have you ever felt like that before? Like everything was lining up precisely as it should?  It’s a strange feeling. In a way, so much has gone wrong, and yet I feel as though all of that had to go wrong in order to get me here.

I don’t feel stuck anymore. I used to feel so stuck. I remember standing behind the desk at Club 16, answering phones in my shiny black jacket and tight workout leggings, and feeling miserable.

I had HUGE dreams: New York times best selling author, Oscar winning actress, competitive runner. I remember the hours I spent making my first vision board. I decorated it with best actress winners brandishing their shiny Oscars. I made grandiose affirmations about the money that I would have by the end of the year. I coloured my vision board the design of a curtain with the wording “Starring Christine Bissonnette.” I did not achieve one thing on that board.

I would stare at that vision board and feel overwhelmed. It did not inspire me, it stressed me out. I was making my life entirely about accomplishment and recognition, and I forgot what it was that I loved about living.

Why did I want to be an actress? Why did I want to be an author? Why did I love to run?

Two and a half months ago I started journalling.

Every morning for the last 53 days I have taken out my journal and, after first identifying three things that I’m grateful for, I’ve explored my feelings. I used to use my journalling time to congratulate myself for what I’d accomplished (or berate myself for what I hadn’t) the previous day and then to make a plan for the day ahead. I was journalling on my computer. When I transitioned to handwritten reflection, an exploration of my true feelings came easily.

I crave connection

I crave true connection. I crave that feeling of time disappearing as I become immersed in a project, or an engaging conversation with a close friend. A couple of weeks ago, after reading the first half of Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map, I got prematurely excited and quickly came up with my four core-feelings that I felt represented how I wanted to live my life. Those words were

Passionate

Playful

Powerful

Unstoppable

They felt somewhat right, but not completely right. The second part of Danielle LaPorte’s book is a workbook where she gets you to explore six different areas of your life in terms of gratitude, feelings, and dreams for the future. Those areas are Livelihood and Lifestyle, Body and Wellness, Creativity and Learning, Relationships and Society, and Essence and Spirituality.

Over the course of three days (not consecutive) and approximately 12 hours of focused reflection, I realized that one of my words didn’t fit. That word was unstoppable. 

There was something about that word that made me feel just like my old vision board had made me feel: overwhelmed. Unstoppable and connection didn’t feel like they went together very well. When I thought of the world unstoppable I thought of a runaway train and concepts like striving, disregard for others, and workaholic came to mind. If I lived my life with the word unstoppable tattooed under my consciousness, would I ever be able to slow down?

So what word could I replace it with? I continued to journal and soon two new words introduced themselves to me. Those words were Safe and Engaged. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted to feel safe. That was it! Safe. I couldn’t live any of the other words if I didn’t first feel safe. I couldn’t be passionate or playful with another person or with life if I didn’t feel safe. I couldn’t stand in my true power if I didn’t feel safe. I couldn’t unapologetically engage with the word – learning, creating, and loving – if I didn’t first feel safe.

I’ve gotten into the habit of repeating this word to myself every time I feel rushed or like I don’t have enough time. I repeat it to myself everytime I feel afraid, insecure, vulnerable, or lonely. I repeat it to myself every time I feel overwhelmed by my dreams. This word reminds me that no matter how high I climb or how badly I fall, I will always be safe.

I created another vision board for 2015

Although the pictures certainly represent concrete goals (a one month trip to France being one of them), they mostly represent a collection of feelings: wonder, creativity, romance, love.

My dreams are no smaller than they were before, but the way that I’m approaching them has changed drastically. I flipped a page in my journal: what will my life look like 10 years from now? I wrote. In vivid detail I explored the home where I wanted to live, the relationship I wanted to have, and the life I wanted to be enjoying. Then it was time to explore what I’d accomplished:

“I’ve published two novels that I am incredibly proud of. I experienced so much delicious challenge and joy in the writing process for both of these books.”

“I am producing and performing in projects that I believe in, and that excite me.”

“I have a tremendous and powerful voice. My body is limber and healthy.”

I said at the beginning of this post that I felt as though I was exactly where I was supposed to be at this moment, and I feel certain that this is true. These goals represent, for me, a new way of looking at the world and my life. I feel calm, centered and incredibly happy. Had you told me  three years ago to think of goal-setting in this way, I don’t think I would have understood.

All of my striving, all of the pressure I put on myself, all of the times I punched my wall in frustration… all of that has brought me here. I say that with the knowledge that I still have SO far to go. There is so much that I still don’t understand, and I’m okay with that.

Every morning I wake up to this quote by the Dalai Lama and I smile. Life is good.