Habit formation is something that I’ve been interested in for awhile. Next to the thoughts that we think, our habits make up a large chunk of our identity.

I put identity in italics for a reason. Ever since beginning this blog, I’ve felt a large amount of apprehension around the concept of identity… specifically the idea that identity is static. That you are who you are, and that’s it. It just didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t accept that sort of dreary finality. I wondered if there was such a thing as a more fluid identity.

Ever since I was a young girl, I have consistently sought to challenge these fixed beliefs.

I was diagnosed with Depression when I was in grade 7.

I started counselling and was put on anti-depressants for almost my entire grade school experience… but whenever I had an opportunity (when those around me were paying less attention), I’d cut the meds off cold turkey. My efforts were always promptly disrupted.

The doctors told me that I would be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I had a chemical imbalance, and they told me that the only way to fix it was with drugs. I hated them (the doctors and the medication). These little pills didn’t make the depression go away, they just made me feel like I was floating through a fog — wearing a mask that, under doctor’s orders, I was never allowed to take off.

I could not accept this chemical imbalance as an unalterable part of who I was. 

At 18 I moved away from home to go to university. I wasted no time ditching the medication. I started to think of them as a placebo for a bigger problem and I started searching for ways to solve that problem. Exercise showed immediate results, but the anxiety and depression still lingered in the background. I spent an enormous amount of time sleeping. I was prone to relatively frequent anxiety attacks and tried desperately to force my way through an obnoxious social anxiety that made it difficult to make friends.

Then my partner at the time and I moved across the country to Vancouver, BC. Before leaving, a semi-mutual friend gave us the P90X workout program. After a life-changing workshop with acting teacher Larry Moss (I only audited) where he harped on us about the importance of following through and being committed, I went home and decided to start the program.

I felt remarkably undisciplined; I felt like I’d never finished anything.

I made a decision: I would finish this, no matter what.

It was the beginning of a series of small changes that would transform who I believed myself to be. 

I finished all 90 days of P90X. During that time I also started listening to health podcasts and learning about nutrition. I started by counting calories (worst thing ever!), went gluten-free for an entire year (which forced me to learn about macro and micronutrients), and learned how to cook.

I also began listening to inspirational podcasts and interviews with entrepreneurs obsessively. Over the last three and a half years I have read somewhere in the vicinity of 30 books on self-improvement (I’ve listed my favourites below) and quite literally transformed my sense of self through consistent journalling and the self-exploration I do on this blog.

“Identity is a scary thing,” I said to a friend of mine recently over tea.

For me, the scariest thing about changing my thought patterns, internal dialogue and habits was/is a fear that I’d lose myself in the process. If you believe that you are your thoughts, then changing your thoughts becomes impossible. You can’t change them without compromising your sense of identity and throwing yourself into nothingness.

I’ve learned that there’s another way to think about growth. I prefer to think of myself as an essence – something less static and more fluid. Everything I do, I do with the deliberate intention of freeing myself up in a spiritual sense. My habits help me to feel more alert, less afraid, grounded and present. I feel that this is the only way I can fully experience life.

“Success is about stretching yourself. It’s about becoming smarter, not being smart already,” says Carol Dweck in her book ”Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.’

I don’t have Depression anymore. Depression feels like a distant memory. So many of the beliefs I had about myself have been rewritten, which makes me wonder: what else is possible?

Tony Robbin’s 4 Steps for Success

In his book ‘Awaken the Giant Within,’ Tony Robbins provides a 4 step formula for ultimate success.

1. Decide what you want
2. Take action
3. Notice what’s working and what’s not
4. Change your approach until you achieve what you want

What I want is to feel in control of my instrument (my body). I want to feel full of energy and alert.

How I take action (took me 3 1/2 years to get to this point) is through daily exercise, journalling, and meditation. I also eat a Pescetarian whole foods diet. And every Sunday I fill out a weekly planner which highlights my goals for the week and breaks these down into daily actionable steps. These weekly goals align with my monthly goals, which also align with my yearly goals.

This is new, but at the end of November I spent an afternoon reviewing my month, acknowledging what worked and what didn’t and making a plan for the following month. Doing this gave me tremendous clarity of purpose and of vision.

All of this is helping me to build momentum.

How would you answer these questions?

I think that when it comes to habits and playing with identity it’s important to take it slow. In the beginning I tried the all or nothing approach. It never worked. Not once (and I tried it multiple times). What has worked for me is introducing one new habit every two weeks. You have to be comfortable with a slow progression. Do this for 3 months and suddenly you have 6 new healthy habits working in your favour. That’s not small.

I strongly believe that we all have a fluid identity. It’s our decision how we choose to nurture ourselves through our daily actions. We decide who we’re going to be and how we’re going to feel.

There’s a delicious amount of power in that isn’t there?

My Favourite Books on Self-Improvement

1. The Power of Habit: Why we do what we do in Life and Business – Charles Duhigg
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2. Daring Greatly: How to Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent, and Lead – Brene Brown
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3. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success – by Carol Dweck
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4. The Possible Human: A Course in Enhancing your Creative, Mental and Physical Abilities – Dr. Jean Houston
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5. The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work – Shawn Achor
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I also really recommend reading biographies of people you admire.

*I’d like to add that I am sharing only my own experience with Depression. I am not making any recommendations based on your own situation. Every experience with mental illness is unique.