Disclaimer: Lately, I’ve been having a number of conversations with friends about the strange sort of limbo feeling that comes with the end of a relationship. It took me about a month to even write about the end of mine, but now I feel a very strong desire to talk about it. I want to explore these feelings; these sensations. The reason: I’m learning how far from unique these feelings actually are. I’m not discounting my own experience, but the collective experience of the break up seems to be one of fear and isolation (no matter how many friends you have). I’ve decided to dedicate my Monday posts (and possibly more often than that), to an exploration of these feelings. I know that by writing about this I may, quite possibly, be delaying my next relationship. I’m okay with that. I hope my experience can bring strength to those who are in (or entering) a similar state of limbo. We’re all in this together.

I shared this with a friend of mine about a month ago.

I keep track of what I read (and the amount that I read) on Goodreads – I’ve also kept a physical reading record since the eleventh grade. For the last two years I’ve signed up for the Goodreads challenge. I’ve set a goal at the start of the year for how many books I intended to read, and then tracked my progress as I worked to reach those goals. I did not reach my goal in 2012. I did not reach my goal in 2013. This year I reached it. 50 books. After several months of being 2-3 books behind schedule, I realized that I was now WAY ahead of “schedule.” Wait… what? I started counting.

In the last 2 1/2 months I’d read 19 books – that included 8 plays and 3 books of poetry.

2 1/2 months from that date I’d also ended a relationship. Interesting. The following month (this past November) I spent less time reading and A LOT more time journalling. The discomfort I was feeling wasn’t going away… so I decided to explore it. In November I spent somewhere between 12-14 hours (spread out over three days) working through Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map. Yesterday I spent an additional 4 hours with my journal reflecting on the last month (what went well and what didn’t) and revisiting my goals – several month ago Liz, my mentor, had my creative accountability group put together 1 month, 3 month, 6 month, 1 year, 2 year, 3 year, 5 year, 10 year and 20 year goals. They needed revising.

Safe, Powerful, Playful, Engaged, Passionate.

Thanks to The Desire Map, I identified five words that embody the way that I want to feel in my life.

My goals and ambitions are just as vibrant, but now that ambition feels less like striving and more like living. I can feel myself moving forward every day, while also feeling remarkably fulfilled in the present.

Some people balk at the idea of spending time with a journal every morning – and I probably would have in the past as well – but having a journal slows down my life. It helps me to acknowledge and appreciate every day. The downside of this is that lately time has been moving at a brutally slow pace.

Why is that a downside? Running in the background of this fulfillment is an overwhelming desire to distract myself from life.

In the first few months after the breakup I wanted to move past the painful part as quickly as possible. I’m still in the painful part. Despite all of my effort and ingenious schemes, I still find myself laying in bed every night like it’s an accomplishment – I’ve made it through another day.

I’m not depressed. Depression does not describe this feeling.

The experience was and is that of waiting. Why should being out of a relationship feel like waiting? Why should it feel so unsettling? It probably has something to do with the fact that I have been in a relationship since I was 18… but I think it’s more than that. We’re expected to find that someone to spend the rest of our lives with. When that person doesn’t exist, a big question mark appears in our peripheral that is difficult to escape (forgive my generalization. This may not apply to you).

It’s not just that it’s scary to be alone… I think it’s that we’ve made it socially unacceptable to be fulfilled by ourselves. We’re supposed to need another person.

I’ve found crushes comforting. It feels nice to entertain the idea of myself with another person, but I know that If I were to follow through… panic would ensue. And there we’ve reached the conflict of the breakup – a simultaneous experience of wanting to be both alone and with someone. A desire to simultaneously distract and live.

I have no remedy for this experience. Breathing and journalling helps for me. At some point I know these feelings will pass and I’ll enter the next stage of the breakup. I’ll let you know when that is. For now, I am here.

*Another disclaimer: there is a large possibility that I will go back on everything I explore in these blog posts. I may not agree with this tomorrow, but guess what? We all change day-by-day. This is how I feel today, and that’s important to recognize.