Is it intuition or fear?

Over the last several months, I’ve been putting a lot of energy into slowing down and listening. I used to be so distrustful of this thing called intuition, but now I’m curious. I want to know what it has to say.

You don’t have to ask for advice quite so often, said an energy healer that I went to this summer. You know. Her words hit me hard. I know? With that simple statement she gave me permission to trust my feelings. It was an incredible gift, but one that had some confusion strung into it.

First of all, how I feel changes day-by-day, so how can I trust myself when my internal world is consistently shifting and changing? But then, if my opinions and feelings feel insubstantial and fluid, wouldn’t others have the same experience? So why discount my own?

The other problem is that, to me, this gut feeling feels a lot like fear. When something feels a little bit uncomfortable, it’s so easy for me to decide that this uncomfortable feeling is my intuition telling me that this something is a bad idea… but maybe I’m just afraid.

How do you tell the difference? (if you’re hoping that I will answer this question in this post, I can assure you that I won’t. But I will try my best).

Lately I’ve been deliberately scaring myself a lot. I’ve been saying yes to opportunities that make me feel uncomfortable. I’ve been saying yes to new relationships, new friends, and new experiences.

I’m acting in a Web Series today. When I was offered the role I had the impulse to turn it down. I didn’t do anything. I don’t deserve this. I typed yes, regardless of what I decided was fear, not intuition.

I’ve made an appointment to give blood tomorrow with a friend – it’s something that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. It even made it onto my list of “nagging tasks.” Needles and the removal of 1 litre of my blood also terrifies me. For a good reason, said my counsellor. Letting someone take your blood is counter-intuitive. Counter-intuitive in an evolutionary and survival sense, but not going against my intuition? Running a half marathon is probably also counter-intuitive but I did that too, and felt great after. Things were starting to feel a little bit confusing.

Earlier this week I submitted my application to the Women in Film mentorship program.

It was the last day. The deadline. There was somewhere else that I wanted to be, and I felt a pull to simply brush off the opportunity for another year. I don’t think I really want to do this – the thought was very convincing. The idea of forgoing the opportunity even felt good. That’s my intuition telling me that this mentorship program isn’t for me, I thought. But when I got up out of my chair I felt a different feeling.

Somehow I knew that what I was experiencing in that moment was fear. Okay, I thought, I’ll answer just one question on the application. One question answered led to another. Suddenly I was finished. All that was left to do was send it off. Cue burst of adrenaline… and then calm accomplishment. I even smiled. I knew right away that this had been the right decision. I’d been listening correctly.

My counsellor noticed and commented on the density of these scary experiences. You’ve really packed it all together, she said. Yes, I nodded.

I figure that if I can do all the things now that have scared me for years, in the new year my threshold for fear will be higher.

I don’t know if that’s true, but I feel like I hit on something. She, at least, didn’t disagree with this rationale.

So… how do you tell the difference?

I think that the way you tell the difference is by acknowledging your wants. If an experience or person is bringing you closer to your goals, then maybe it’s fear you’re experiencing. If you find yourself rewriting and reframing what you want to make room for this new experience… maybe it’s your intuition telling you you’re off track. I’m not sure if that makes sense or not… or if it’s even an entirely reliable measure.

Okay, I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to tell the difference – in writing. But I feel like if you find the courage to slow down and listen, your intuition will tell you the truth.

So in the meantime, I’m just going to continue doing things that scare me – pushing through the resistance and the doubt. There’s this radical new thing I’ve discovered called trusting myself. It’s definitely gotten me intrigued.