“When the possibility of radical transformation presents itself, it brings with it considerable fear. Once the door is opened, the bird who has lived in a cage all its life shrinks back from freedom and the terrors of the unknown. It is the Self, the ordering center of the personality, that presents the ego with the challenge to move to a new level of consciousness.”

– Marion Woodman, Addiction to Perfection

This has been a hard Christmas for me. It’s my first Christmas as a single woman in five year. Five Christmases spent with the same man, and now I’m horribly conscious of his missing presence in my life. I don’t regret a thing, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mourning the loss of what once was.

I’ve healed a lot over the last several months – even developing feelings for someone else – but a week ago I spent almost an entire day breathing through a pain I’ve never experienced before.

It started at the beach. I went with my family, but once there I made the selfish decision to lag behind and walk with myself. The beach is a deeply spiritual place for me. As soon I stepped on the sand, I knew I wanted to be alone… I needed to be alone. I started picking rocks up off the sand and putting them in my pockets. I used to do this as a kid. I hadn’t collected rocks in years. It felt immediately right.

Then I started to sing. There was no one around. The waves brushing up against the sand drowned out my voice. I felt safe underneath its roar.

I sang loud. I sang with my whole body. And then I started to cry. I started the song over several times. My voice consistently broke in the same place. I started pushing through the pain. I sang while crying. It was an ugly sound; a deeply purifying sound. I realized that I was breaking through something.

This was me. I’d never before allowed myself to be so free, so unapologetic, so imperfect, and so ugly in public.

That night I writhed in pain in my bed, clutching – clawing – at my heart as I tried to swallow sobs the size of boulders.

I thought I might suffocate. My hands became magnetized toward my heart. I don’t know why. My mind didn’t know what was going on, but my body seemed to be trying to fix something.

Fix something, or free something?

I said fix originally because I’m used to trying to fix myself… but maybe free is the more correct word. I’ve never felt more animalistic. Is this what heartache feels like? I wondered.

No, I don’t think it was heartache. What it felt like was the splitting apart of two selves. It felt like breakthrough pain. Like I said, I’ve never felt this sort of pain before. It was intense. It felt like death.

“Sometimes we are called upon to give up the part of our life that we hold most dear, and the fear and loneliness involved in that inner decision dare not be underestimated. At the same time as we are making the sacrifice, we are also required to meet the challenge of the new life. This is a time of darkness; it requires time and patience, space and meditation. So long as our psychological heritage is sound, we can trust that the Self will not demand more of us than we are able to give.”

– Marion Woodman, Addiction to Perfection

I’m afraid of the future.

I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know how I’m going to be challenged. I don’t know how I’m going to be hurt. I don’t know how I’m going to love; how I’m going to laugh; how I’m going to lash out in anger; how I’m going to fight for myself.

Success is scary. I’ve started to create a momentum in my life that scares the shit out of me. I feel myself panting to keep up with a side of myself that I’m not sure I’m ready to release. The woman on the beach.

Have you ever seen that side of yourself?

Glimpses of the person that you could be if you weren’t so damn afraid. Have you ever toyed with the locks on your armour? Fingering the key for the padlock that is wrapped around your soul?

This is where I am. The key feels cold and heavy in my hands. I think the sobs were sobs of panic and sobs of fear. Breakthrough pain…

I’m afraid of the future and afraid of what could happen if I took off the armour and allowed myself to breathe deeper than I’ve ever breathed before. I’m afraid of what could happen if I dared to embrace and love my full self.

This is my new beginning. I’m afraid, but I’m also ready to be in the world in a new way.

“Your life is your art. When you make tough choices in favour of your soul, you’re making a master piece out of your existence. The artist understands that destruction is part of expansion and is willing to do what’s best for the masterpiece. Some difficult choices may look like sacrifices at first, until you realize how much you’ve gained by making them.”

– Danielle LaPorte, The Desire Map

How are you going to embrace your new beginning?