This Christmas, my family decided to do something a little more intimate. Four presents sat underneath the Christmas tree when we all woke up in the morning. One for and from each of us. This year we decided to do our own version of Secret Santa. Names were picked out of a hat, and each of us was responsible for one gift. And it wasn’t just a haphazard gift either. We each even made a short list of what we actually wanted.

I got my brother a cold weather sleeping bag, my sister got a gift card for some new undergarments and some decor for her bedroom, my mom got an electronic picture frame like her sister used to have, and I got a GPS watch to track my runs.

Originally when my brother and sister suggested this plan, I was sort of against it. ‘Doesn’t it take some of the magic out of the season if you know what you’re going to get?’ I asked. I legitimately thought that. I guess I was referring to the magic of not knowing what would be in the presents, but there is another sort of magic that I’m observing this Christmas. That magic is gratitude.

Cheese alert!

But seriously. Although coming home for the holidays felt hard in the beginning, I feel so grateful to be here with my family. It’s hard to be away from the comfort of my routine, but there’s a different sort of way of living that I’m beginning to appreciate as a result of being here.

“After some weeks she had the confidence to show me her book of lists – yearly lists of things to be done, monthly lists, weekly lists, daily lists, special daily lists – all meticulously organized. “I know it’s crazy,” she said, her eyes full of stress, “but I can’t help it. If one thing is missing, what else might be missing?”

This reflection from the book “Addiction to Perfection” by Marion Woodman really hit me hard when I read it. Yeah, it’s not actually from me, but man do I ever relate to this. I’m realizing that more so than adding, it’s hardest to let go. It’s hard to do less. More fills a void. Less leaves you less… but more quality? With more life? It’s hard to let go of traditions, or people, or routines. It’s hard to simply resolve to do things differently, or to try a different way.

I have a fear of loss. Letting something go is incredibly hard because that fear of missing out is real. As soon as you let something go, your life does change trajectories. Things start to feel different – and not necessarily always in a good way. It’s seriously enough to give you a panic attack. It has. The only way to get through it is to consider what you could potentially gain.

I remember many Christmases where the tree was overflowing with presents but, after all the presents were unwrapped, everyone had this sort of empty disappointed feeling on their face. Now what? The presents didn’t fill the void we’d each separately been hoping they’d fill. So what fills the void? Connection.

Scale back. Do less with more joy. That’s my resolution for the new year. Pay attention to what I spiritually need – not what I physically need. Actually be there with the people I love.

We tried doing things a different way this Christmas, and as a result this Christmas feels less enmeshed in commercialism and more about family. It feels really good.