I always feel a little tired the day after an acting class and I’m never entirely sure why.

Maybe it’s all the breaking down and building up. Maybe it’s because I tend to push myself a little bit (sometimes a lot) past where I feel comfortable. Maybe it’s because I usually leave the studio on inspiration overload. Maybe it’s just because five hours is a really long time to stay present – but you can’t help but be present when people are doing such uninhibited, brave and truthful work. It’s probably a combination of all of these things.

I started taking Scene Study with Ben Ratner in November of 2013. I’m now in the middle of my sixth session with him. I remember my first class.

I was given the ‘opportunity’ to play Katie in the play ‘Bachelorette’ by Leslye Headland. I put opportunity in quotes because… Holy shit! I have never had such a hard time with a character. I went through pages and pages in my notebook trying to understand her. I broke the entire script into beats. I tried to use my intellect to psychoanalyze her and figure out why she did the things she did and how on earth she jumped from this point to the next. I became hyper-focused on the dark side of Katie and forgot the fun side of her. The result: a giant mess of flailing arms and general frustration.

I’ve grown a lot since that first class. I’ve learned how to breathe, how to focus my nervous and somewhat intense energy (really intense energy?), I’ve learned that ‘sorry’ is not the most attractive of words and that I’d given it too much space in my vocabulary. But I didn’t just learn all this from acting class: I learned this through frustration.

Scene study class is frustrating! Any acting class is frustrating!! Insanely frustrating!!! As you work on the scene you’ve been assigned, the blocks you find yourself working through are likely (definitely are) the same blocks you experience in living. So, for me, learning how to act has been about learning how to live. It’s been about learning how to fight for myself and acknowledge my feelings as valid. It’s been about finding the courage to express and share who I am – the many sides of who I am. It’s been about finding the balance (or the difference?) between being passionate and frantic. It’s been about finding the courage to be unlikeable, impolite and sometimes mean. And it’s also been about finding the even greater courage to be hugged, loved, and appreciated.

Yes, acting class is exhausting.

While you’re learning how to live you’re also learning how to process and work on a scene. You’re Readjusting, trying, reverting, challenging, pushing and sometimes actually figuring out the material – but if by the end of the five weeks you’re still feeling frustrated, I think you can still consider your efforts a success. Frustration means you’re still trying – you haven’t given up. You haven’t given up on the scene; you haven’t given up on your dreams; you haven’t given up on your life.

So, although feeling this frustrated sometimes feels brutally uncomfortable – I realized last night that, despite all my work I still had trouble accepting my feelings as valid, ugh!! — I try to remind myself that it’s a sign that I’m moving in the right direction. I’m working. I’m not stuck. I’m moving. I’M MOVING FORWARD! 

I guess I do know why I feel tired after acting class. There’s always further to go and there’s always another wall to collapse. It’s exhausting, and although on Monday’s I always feel a little raw, I guess the lesson is that…  I wouldn’t have it any other way.