I saw this quote on Instagram a couple of days ago. I ‘liked’ it, and then proceeded to think about it pretty much nonstop.

“Today is the future I created yesterday” – Louise Hay

Right now everything feels like it’s starting to build – only it’s all building in a secret crevice that’s just outside of my periphery. I don’t know when the flowers – the trees? — that I’ve been so carefully (deliberately) planting are going to start popping up all around me; underneath me. Does that work as a metaphor? Yes. Because right now I feel unstable. I’m not ‘comfortable’. I’m waiting. I’m hanging on with anticipation. Nothing could work out… or everything could work out. I’m consistently checking my e-mail. Waiting.

It’s the waiting game. I bet you know what I’m talking about. Right now, that’s where I am. I’ve been putting myself out there in a big way this year. I’ve been taking chances. Asking for help. Breathing with my fear. My emotional life is alive and conscious. I’ve never felt this way before. Yesterday I wanted to crawl under my covers and hide.

I’ve started breaking out around my mouth – that usually happens when I’m afraid. It’s my bodies way of sabotaging myself – my mind’s way of sabotaging myself. It happens when things are going too well and I need to find a way of slowing down. The bits of acne make me feel more comfortable with myself. When they’re not there, I start to freak out. A part of me wishes they were there. I don’t know how that makes sense, but it’s how I feel.

“Today is the future I created yesterday.” Which yesterday will create the future that I want so desperately and yet fear so obsessively? Will it be today? I run my hands over the lower corner of my mouth and feel the bumps. It calms and discourages me at the same time. I feel like I have so far to go.

On the way to an audition last week I read the following poem to myself under my breath on the bus. It’s from ‘Think and Grow Rich’ by Napoleon Hill:

If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you like to win, but you think you can’t,
It is almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will —
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You’ve got to think high to rise,
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN!

Do I believe that I can win? I guess that’s what it comes down to.

I felt pulled to think about all the ways I could screw up the audition as I made my way down, but then I decided to try something different. Instead of fearing the worst, I decided to try expecting the best. I used the tools I’ve learned to stay present and grounded. I breathed. I got excited instead of scared, and… I had an incredibly fulfilling audition experience. I left the building, jumped up, and tapped my feet together in celebration of me and all the effort that I’ve put into getting me here: The guidance and support from the people I’ve met, all the skills and tools I’ve learned (and am now starting to use), and all the ways I’ve pushed myself to grow.

Acting scares me. Life scares me. But I’m determined to move past this fear and do something great.

Do I believe I can win? Yes. Am I scared? No… I’m fucking terrified.

Do you believe that you can win?