Over the last three weeks I’ve been trying to take more responsibility for my life -100% responsibility for my life. I’ve discovered that this is hard, and I don’t always know what 100% looks or feels like, or if I’m doing it right. I suspect that I fall short a lot.
Over the last three weeks I’ve also experienced anger and loneliness. I’ve made impulsive decisions. I’ve felt insecure and uncertain. I’ve laid in bed a little too long afraid to take another step forward. I’ve rationalized my decisions on the fear of someone else.
Maybe you’re the one who is afraid, said my roommate yesterday. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I am afraid.
“Afraid of what I’d ask myself? Maybe the girl who has finally broke free of myself, that old stubborn, self-conscious me.” That is a line from a poem that I wrote in grade 7. I was confused then. I’m confused now.
What am I afraid of?
I know the answer. There’s no need to call bullshit.
I am afraid of that part of me who is strong and powerful; who is worthy of love, respect and ease; who can stand her ground and fight for what she believes and understands to be true. I’m afraid of love – love that isn’t insecure, or frightened or pushing. I’m afraid of that love that is present, silly, passionately engaged, and surprising. I’m afraid of success and the pressure of being taken seriously. I’m afraid of what it will feel like to be unburdened by debt and stress, and to have the freedom – time and financial – to actually just get up and do what I want. Will I take advantage of that freedom? Or will I find a way to hide in other ways?
How I’ve been successful
I’ve been trying to take 100% responsibility for my life over the last three weeks, and in a lot of ways I have been successful. Very successful.
1. More nature
I love to be in nature. I love going for long walks. I love the fresh air… but I spend all of my time sitting in coffee shops. I work in coffee shops. I catch up with friends in coffee shops. I love the smell of freshly ground coffee beans, and the sudden exertions of feeling that sit on top of the dull monotonous hum of ‘oh, I’ve been so busy’ and ‘you look great.’ Yes, I love my time in coffee shops, but there is so much more that I love and need in my life.
Last week I invited my friend Jazmine to go for a walk along the Vancouver seawall. We could have caught up anywhere, but instead we spent 2 1/2 hours walking and talking, and engaging with each other in a real way. Feels like living.
2. Altering my workspace
I could continue to complain and believe that I don’t have enough time, or I could simply rearrange and try out some different patterns of being. For 3 1/2 years I’ve worked from coffee shops. Maybe that hasn’t worked as good as I hoped it had. As an experiment I started working from home occasionally. Turns out that I can get a lot done from home too.
New development: now I want an office. An actual office where I go with the express purpose of working.
3. I’ve started writing creatively.
I write all the time, but there is something about the creative process – as opposed to the more nonfiction type writing I do for this blog – that terrifies me.
“A writer has to understand her characters deeply in order to make them come alive. A character is a splinter off the self, sure. A shard of the author’s self, lived or unlived, repressed or desired or disdained. Still, a character is a fiction, a fabrication: she grants me the chance to avoid speaking in first person.” – Alison Pick, Between Gods.
I’m not afraid to write in first person. But when I write from first person I am sharing a very specific part of who I am. Fiction, like acting, affords the opportunity to try on different personnas that are all there, but not always expressed. At least with acting, a portion of me can still hide behind the character. It’s harder to hide when the words are your own. And what’s more, as I write fiction I realize that I can’t hide the fact that I am trying to write something that is good – something that will transcend time and that others will believe to be good. I am afraid to put my whole self into a story, and then to have it be rejected.
“Maybe writing fiction serves a dual function: letting the author excavate her psyche while at the same time functioning as a kind of psychic shield. A writer digs up the contends of her unconscious mind, and then attributes it to someone else… to a character.” – Alison Pick
Yes, I guess it is a shield… but it’s a fairly flimsy shield. I’ve discovered that there’s no experience quite so vulnerable as being an artist. And yet that’s all I want to be. And so I guess I better start taking 100% responsibility for that choice.
Last Sunday I spent almost the entire day working on a short story. My first short story in years. I made a list of upcoming deadlines for writing contests, and I’ve made the commitment to start submitting myself as a professional writer.
Actually, as a whole I’ve started submitting myself for paid work. It’s a new way of treating myself: as a professional. As a person who has talent – who has worked with tireless passion to develop her talent and who is now ready to work.
The day you change your responses is the day your life will begin to get better!
If what you are currently doing would produce the “more” and “better” that you are seeking in life, the more and better would have already shown up! If you want something different, you are going to have to do something different!”
– Jack Canfield, The Success Principles
Another part of taking 100% responsibility for my life is taking responsibility for my projects. All of my projects. That includes the care and professionalism that I put into this blog. Into this success principles project. 100% responsibility for how I present myself in public. 100% responsibility for how often I get distracted by Facebook, and how often my thoughts convince me that ‘no, I can’t actually do this.’
Taking 100% responsibility is hard. But I believe that there is a reason that it’s the first chapter in this book, and so I’m going to spend one more week understanding what 100% responsibility looks like to me.