Some stuff is getting stirred up for me at the National Voice Intensive.

Right now I’m in the middle of four weeks of intense 9-12 hour days working with the body, breath, and (of course) the voice. I knew before I came here that this was going to be an emotional/ transformative experience… and I was right.

The first week was a little bit funny for me. On Creative Life, I wrote about how, when I came to Toronto, I made the decision to leave my insecurities at home (in Vancouver, BC). For an entire four days that promise to myself actually worked. I mean, I really thought I’d figured something out: No self-sabotaging thoughts; no mean remarks to myself in the mirror; no ‘do I actually belong here?’ moment of debilitating doubt in my squeaky clean human experience. It was awesome!!

And yet a part of me felt like some sort of fraud – I felt weirdly incomplete without those familiar thoughts — and I came clean about my pact in the circle before a session. I didn’t mean to admit to my “fraudulent behaviour?” (I know this is ridiculous thinking). My ‘confession’ just came out.

The insecurities came back with it.

I started to doubt myself… AGAIN!

Week 2 was a battle between ‘why are you wasting your time’ and the true growth that was actually taking place.

Then week three started. That’s where I am now.

I think I’ve been distracted by fear.

On a trip to the grocery store ‘I’ actually started to get a little bit fed up with ‘myself.’

‘How long are you going to keep this ridiculous self-sabotage up?’ some foreign and much smarter part of me yelled at my little girl eyes.

‘I don’t know!!’ the eyes responded. ‘I guess until…’

And no end point came. This could go on forever. Ever experience that sinking feeling? It’s like you think  you’re safe staring off into the distance at the edge of the cliff, and then you realize that ‘wait, shit!! I’m actually already falling. I’ve actually been falling for a while. Maybe I was never safe to begin with!’

Yeah…

One of the associates in the program reminded us today that it was up to us to do the work. It was up to us what we took out of this program.

So, when I got home (despite the doubt), I brought my books upstairs to an empty room in the house I’m subletting, and I worked. No distractions, just focused work. Work that was first painful, and eventually – after a long bout of painful – exhilarating.

Suddenly, I remembered how good it felt to believe in myself.

Because it does feel good.

It feels a hell of a lot better than the opposite.

And as is the case with the mastery of any skill, perhaps my next steps are simply this: Practice. Only gentle practice this time – this ‘gentle’ word being just one of the lessons I’ve taken away from the intensive so far.

Let’s say it together: one day at a time.