This video blew my mind. A friend of mine brought it up on her phone during lunch a couple days ago. I didn’t know what I was about to see, but wow.

Watch the video first, and then join me below.

“Observation changes the nature of subatomic particles.”

What’s a subatomic particle? I had to look this up, but a subatonic particle is  “any of various self-contained units of matter or energy that are the fundamental constituents of all matter.”

This includes us.

I could be wrong in this deduction, but I wanted to share my thoughts anyway. Why? Because this realization has shifted something inside of me in a big way.

Here’s what I think I understand:

When we observe ourselves, we too change our nature. When we’re watching our thoughts, we compromise our ability to be ourselves. We can’t be ourselves and watch ourselves at the same time.

If this is true, this is a BIG problem for me, because I LOVE to watch myself. I love to dissect every thought, every impulse, every self-defeating tendency. I find this somewhat sadistic tendency endlessly entertaining.

Unfortunately, my entertainment usually results in a continuous cycle of repeated behaviour because I just know myself so well. 

In short, watching yourself too closely does not a happy and successful life make.

My breath shallows when I watch myself too closely.

We’ve had it drilled into our heads over and over again at the Voice Intensive I’m currently attending: breath is the vehicle of thought. Words come from our gut, not from our throats. So when I shallow my breath, I shallow my self. I cut off my impulses, and I censure my behaviour.

What I’ve been learning is that, in so many ways, our brains (our minds) are afraid of what’s below. What’s underneath the neck is impulse, intuition, emotion. Oh! Emotion. That’s a big one. All of these ‘things’ feel irrational, but that’s only because it feels more comfortable to view our selves as predictable beings.

BUT WHAT IF WE’RE NOT PREDICTABLE.

What if the only reason we believe ourselves to be predictable is because we’re constantly observing ourselves under a microscope, and behaving according to what we’ve OBSERVED (which we just learned changes the nature of the subaomic particle… ie. YOU!!). We set rules for ourselves — I’m this, not that. I’ve always struggled with this. That just came easily to me — and then we become those rules.

Sure there’s talent. But there’s a lot of bullshit too.

What if we were more like water. Water can be ice, steam, liquid, mist.  Just because water’s changed form doesn’t mean that it has stopped being water. What if the same is true of us?? Just because I stop acting in the behaviour pattern I’ve created for ‘Christine’ doesn’t mean I stop being her.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” –Lao Tzu

Maybe what Tzu meant by that wasn’t so much making another cerebral choice to ‘do things differently’ (ugh! I’ve grown so tired of that mantra), but to actually quiet the mind, and to allow your most guttural impulses (not your fears) to inspire you in your next move.

And something else I’ve been struggling with:

If I step back, and stop observing myself… won’t I miss it all?

Some weird part of me fears letting go of the self  that watches, because she is also the self that strives, and pushes, and gnaws her way through life. I’m afraid of letting her go, because I want her to be happy too. I want her to have success, and I don’t want to do it without her.

“Can’t I take her with me?” I asked one of my wonderful acting coaches here at the intensive.

“Of course!” he said. “She can relax on a hammock inside of you and she can watch.”

But then maybe he was just saying that to comfort me. Maybe there will be a point when I don’t need her anymore – a point when I find a way of existing that involves less watching and more living. More impulse. More gut.

Because of course his comment contradicts everything I just said. Unless she could watch without commenting. Simply enjoying the film she doesn’t have to pilot anymore (I know this still doesn’t work).

It’s all very confusing, and I can’t even begin to understand it, but maybe my musings have inspired you with some ideas of your own.