For a long time I have resented most of the people I’ve met. Now that I have your attention, allow me to explain. I am not a very trusting individual, and over the years I became very guarded against many, if not all, of the individuals I’ve encountered in my life. Loving other people was very difficult, because I did not love myself. In some deep dark chasm of my unconscious I could not understand why someone would want to be my friend. What did I have to contribute to a relationship? I deserve a gold star for consistently, without fail, finding reasons why a friendship would not work. All it took was the smallest of faults. Then, of course, I’d turn around and complain about how I didn’t have any friends.

Over the last two days I have tried something that I was very resistant to trying. I had it in my head that there was nothing wrong with the way I interacted with other people, but I thought I’d flick the switch anyway to see what would happen. Just as an experiment, I decided to find reasons to love everyone I met. Wow – talk about eye opening. By taking away my judgments and my resentments, I’ve spent the last two days in a state of complete happiness. By taking away my constant internal struggle related to trusting other people, I have finally been able to relax and laugh. I have felt so free. Furthermore, by manipulating this paradigm, I too have entered into an experience whereI do not feel judged or resented by others. It’s a two way street. I have never felt so in line with who I am, and I have never experienced so much pleasure in living.

This week is all about determining the steps that I need to take in order to achieve my goals. I’d say this breakthrough is a major step. If I want to achieve anything in life, I need to be able to work with other people. I also have to see my contributions as being worthy.

Tonight, I am going to have something I wrote (as part of the evolving script challenge) read at the Cold Reading Series. It was initially difficult to trust myself as a writer, and to believe that people wanted to hear my writing. Eventually though, I just gave myself permission to be creative, and to take the risk. I am so glad I did, and I can not wait for tonight.

I also discovered my ideal sleep pattern this week. 6 hours of sleep is all I need to be perfectly alert throughout the entire day. What an amazing thing to realize. For the last 5 days I have been going to bed at 12am and getting up at 6am to exercise. It’s been amazing. Not only is the routine excellent for my general well being, it is has also helped me to see myself as a successful and disciplined person.

I look back at the person I was three months ago, and I barely recognize her in myself. I’d like to leave you with a poem that I wrote when I was in grade 5 – because I really do feel like I’m finally breaking free “of myself, that old stubborn, self conscious me.”