Teaching is a very weird thing. I have literally spent the entire day worrying about a spin class that I had to teach at 6:00pm today. This was my 12th class as a teacher, but every week I still struggle with feelings of self-doubt and anxiety. What if I fail? What if my legs give out and I can’t do it. I listen to Kyle Cease’s podcasts a lot, and he struggled with a similar anxiety when it came to performing on stage. He became obsessed with the possibility that he might faint during one of his routines. It was all that he could think about.
Leading up to my class, there are two doubts that preoccupied my brain:
“What if people hate your class, and what if they realize that you’re a fraud and don’t really know what you’re doing.”
“What if I don’t have the strength, and have to give up.”
It’s crazy. I have done this class 12 times and have never had to stop part way. I’ve always had more than enough energy to get me all the way through my choreography. As for the negative feedback: all I’ve received is rave reviews from my classes participants. And fraud? I’m really good at fitness. I know what I’m talking about, and I’m more than able to direct a group of people in a fitness workout.
The same discrepancy must have existed for Kyle. Every night he worried incessantly about fainting but never did, and every night I’m sure he made lots of people laugh despite his stage fright. Why do we create these things to worry about, when no cause actually exists. Nothing from my external life warrants these fears, everything that I worry about has been generated internally.
Here’s my theory. I think that we do it because we’re afraid of having people count on us. We’re afraid of being somebody: the teacher, the role model, the star. We self-sabotage in order to avoid the responsibility. By creating these fears we keep ourselves safe. Unfortunately, in this context, safe means stuck. It means never moving forward to become the person you were intended to be.
By doing the class week after week, despite my fears, I’m proving to myself that I can overcome my negative self-talk. Prove to yourself that you can too.
Oh, and one other thing.
When I step onto that bike, I become a different person. Or… maybe I just become my higher self, the person I’m supposed to be. I become the silly, motivating, teacher that is there to push you to your limit. You really can be whoever you want to be. You are not weighed down by anything. Kyle Cease said he overcame his stage fright by realizing that he couldn’t think about two things at the same time. I’m going to put this into practice next week. Instead of thinking about all the things that could wrong, why not just think about being excited about doing something that I love to do. Life doesn’t have to be so hard. We’re on this earth to have fun. I really need to start having more fun.