Week 4 was certainly a challenging week (because of the reading deprivation), but it was also been a very rewarding week. There are definitely some things  that are beginning to change in my life.

For my artist’s date, I pulled out an old binder of sheet music (that I’d compiled when I was taking singing lessons back in New Brunswick), and I took my voice out for a ride. I know I was terrible, but I didn’t care. No one was home, and all I wanted to do was sing. It sounded great in my head, and that’s all I cared about. My artist’s date actually inspired me to take singing up again, and to actually practice this time (when I was doing singing lessons back in Fredericton, I was also in the middle of a play where I played the lead. I consequently did not have the time to practice the way that I should have). I have ALWAYS wanted to learn how to sing, and now’s as good a time as any. I’m going to incorporate scales into my vocal work, and see where my voice takes me. It can’t hurt….well it might hurt the neighbors.

How did my reading deprivation week go?

Well, I discovered that I really hide behind my books. I read a lot of self-help books, but a week without books made me realize something I sort of avoided before. I read to trick myself into believing I am taking steps towards self-improvement, but am I really utilizing the knowledge garnered from these works? No, I don’t think I am. I have good intentions, of course, but then I move onto the next book before following through on my commitment to the first. This blog has definitely helped me to focus, but sometimes that I worry that I am doing the exercises for the sake of writing about doing them, and not breathing in the full benefit these exercises could have on my higher self/inner artist. Have you ever made a to-do list, only to realize that you’re doing things only to check them off. Your enjoyment and appreciation of the task lost, because of your desire to complete it and move on to the next thing is so overwhelmingly dominant. These lists, while helpful (I am a huge list maker), sort of make it difficult to live in the present. Yes, they help you to move forward… but they also quiet the inner self that may suddenly be inspired to do something that’s not on the list. “There’s no time for that!” – this a phrase I’ve been hearing a lot inside my head.

You may have noticed that I haven’t written in a couple of days. Week 5 is being pushed into next week as I really need a chance to catch up and to quiet my hectic mind. There’s a few assignments from the past 4 weeks that I haven’t had time for that I would like to go back and complete. Week 5 will begin on Monday, January 21. There’s a large part of me that is saying “No, Christine you NEED to stick to this schedule in order to be successful.” But, at the same time… I’m exhausted. I feel strung out in all directions, so much so that I barely feel like I have the time to sleep. In fact, I wish I didn’t have to sleep. Maybe then I’d have the time to accomplish everything I’ve put on my plate. I am taking a week to catch up because I need to take a week to catch up. Am I breaking the rules? Maybe. Maybe this is also an important step in my process as an artist. My artist wants a week to breathe, and so I am giving my artist that chance. I am being selfish and I am breaking away from my plan, and guess what? It feels really good.

“I don’t need to be perfect to be deserving of success”

This is an affirmation that I’ve been writing at the bottom of my morning pages, and I feel it slowly starting to seep into my unconscious. I write it everywhere I can: on my phone, on my desk, in my meditation corner. This is the statement through which I want to live my life, because I feel as though I’ve been weighed down in my life so far by this irrational desire to be perfect. I’m exhausting myself in a pursuit of the impossible. I am human, and I need sleep, I need play, I need balance. I can’t do everything, and that’s okay. Every other person is limited by the same things as I. It is possible to be successful while also taking days off, and while also taking the time to laugh, kiss, dance, and love.