This week I’m back home in Nova Scotia. It’s been over a year and a half since I’ve been ‘home’, and it’s definitely a weird feeling. A lot of ghosts walk these halls. At one point this morning, I could have sworn I saw my cat meowing at the window to be let in. My cat, Raja, passed away shortly after my last visit. I haven’t been home since he’s been gone, and I can feel his absence in my bones. My childhood dog has also since passed away. I miss them both terribly, Â but Raja was my cat, and it’s his death at 17 that hit me the hardest.
Maybe this is going to make me sound like a psycho cat lady, but I had a dream shortly after he passed away (by the way – he was not put down, but rather died peacefully in his favourite chair). In this dream I was asleep in my childhood bed, and could feel the weight of his body at the bottom of my feet. I wiggled my toes, and he got up and walked towards my head. I could feel the shifting of his weight on the mattress, and as he came closer I could feel his whiskers on my cheek. Then, all of a sudden, I remembered that he was dead. I somehow expected Raja to disappear after becoming lucid, but he didn’t. Rather he came closer to me, and licked my cheek and snuggled up against my neck. I woke up crying. Again, I realize that this is going to make me sound like a crazy cat lady, but I think he visited me in my dream to say goodbye. He gave me permission to let go, and to appreciate the time that I had with him.
We were partners in crime, and he will always have a special place in my heart. What is the purpose of this post? Being home is hard. It’s hard not to revert back to the person that you were as a child. It’s difficult not to go back to bad habits. Sometimes it can be hard to keep your energy in a good place, and to stay productive.
Being home is the ultimate test in moving forward. Can you look at these memories, and appreciate them for what they are. Can you look at the closet where you once hid when pretending to run away, and say “yes, I did that – but that’s not who I am anymore.” In the 6 years since moving out, I’ve evolved into a person that I’m really proud of, and I need to remember that. Everyone has both good and bad memories of home, and letting go of both of those memories is an important part in your development. I saw a remarkable shift in my consciousness when I took down the posters from the past plays that I did, and stopped focusing on the past. The same rule applies here. I have a lot of fear when it comes to moving forward, and being home is the perfect place to rectify some of these fears and insecurities.
Thoughts?
I completely agree with this post. Being home, with family members is the ultimate test in a person’s development because no matter how many demons you lay to rest or how successful, confident and balanced your new life, being back in that family dynamic can make you revert back to that place you thought you’d moved past. Because the people you love will always see you as the person you were when you were growing up and living with them full-time. It can be hard to change their perceptions of the daughter, sister they remember to the person you’ve become right now. It might not happen straight away but be proud of the person you are now and try not to fall into any negative patterns and gradually over time, hopefully they will also see how you’ve blossomed. I’m sure they’re already proud of you but a lot of families aren’t very good at showing that. The spirit of your cat is a reminder that you have a protector, an animal guardian – animals are such sentient beings and we don’t give them credit enough for their intelligence and sensitivity. So I’m really glad Raja visited you in the dream. And I hope you have a lovely, restful time at home reconnecting with loved-ones.
Exactly. The thing that I’m struggling with is because I live in downtown Vancouver, I just walk everywhere. Home is not downtown. To get to the nearest store is a 25-30 minute walk and it’s rained every day since I’ve been here. Because I don’t have a license, I’m basically stranded at my house unless someone decides to go somewhere. It’s s test for sure. Thank you for the encouraging words. Yes, I do think of my cat as my spiritual guardian. Thank you for taking the time to write this beautiful post. What are your experiences with being home?
I have the opposite experience – I never get to revisit my childhood because first, my parents moved so much there wasn’t a childhood home and second, both my parents are dead so there really isn’t a place to go anymore. It makes me feel like an orphan even though I’m 42! And I had a special cat as well but he never visited me in my dream. You’re lucky! Enjoy your time at home with family.
I’m sorry. Even if your cat never visited you, I’m sure you feel his presence sometimes. Those special pets… I don’t think they ever leave you. As for feeling like an orphan, obviously I can’t say that I understand, but I do know what it feels like to lose someone who is very close to me. Remember that they are always looking out for you, because they are. You have many friends, and you are never alone. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure the words of a 24 year old mean very little, but I couldn’t not reply to this comment.
That’s so sweet. Thanks for your kind words. They absolutely mean something. 🙂
This is not directly related to the theme of your post, but I’m just going to go ahead and throw this out there: crazy cat ladies are the best type of ladies.
I agree! I have never met a cat person that I didn’t like.
Thanks for sharing, Christine! I often feel like I’m an awful person when I’m home or around my family. I become the girl I was in high school who was battling a lot of issues and was quite miserable in many ways. I find that around my family, I feel the same way I did then: irritated, on edge, tired, little patience or understanding for others. I’m often immature and whine. My family thinks I must be the same way around others, but I’m not; I only feel that way around them. I really need to learn how to cope with those times better so that we can all enjoy ourselves. I don’t know what gets into me, but I suppose it’s natural that being in a similar environment allows old feelings to resurface.