Another part of taking 100% responsibility for your life includes acknowledging the excuses and victim stories you cling to with the most ferocious defensiveness.

Deep breath. This is a really hard one.

These are my favourite victim stories:

I was never chosen to be a lead as a kid, and that is still the case. Others don’t trust my ability to carry a show. I am also not good enough to carry a show. If I were to be put in that position, others would talk about how unworthy I am of that title behind my back.

In grade 8 I was the victim of a horrible prank – one where the entire class was involved, although one person was the ring leader. It involved a love letter and a preceding note that said ‘I would never like someone like you.’ It is the most humiliated I have ever been. I believe that others are always conspiring to humiliate me. I am afraid of being humiliated in that way again. I do not believe that I am desirable as a woman. I believe that when others call me beautiful that they are lying. I believe that I am actually disgusting.

I did not fit in when I was in grade school. I remember always hanging out on the outside of the circle, looking in. Today, I deal with consistent fear that I don’t actually belong, and that I am pushing my presence on people who don’t actually want to be around me. I struggle to think of myself as anything but a nuisance.

Okay. So, what do I do with that information? Well, I have continued to study acting despite my fear that I don’t actually belong in this world. I have worked hard at developing strong friendships with people who I love spending time and exchanging ideas with. Since leaving the comfort of my 6.5 year relationship, I have been working hard to re-enter the dating world with confidence.

And yet, if I’m honest with myself: whenever I am preparing to audition for a lead role, or to go on a date with someone who I believe is ‘out of my league’ (whatever that means), or am hanging out with a group of people I don’t know very well… these insecurities come back. I find myself pushing past these stories. Pushing. I hate pushing. It doesn’t work.

So here we go. I’m trying another way. There are a lot of paradigms being shifted in my life. I’m about to attempt to shift some more.

Time to rewrite these victim stories; these excuses.

Why, today, do I know that I can actually get what I want.

This might actually be even harder than sharing my insecurities. I guess because I’m used to doing that. I’m not used to sharing the ways I love myself; the ways I believe in myself. I’ve learned that it is the things we are most afraid to do that are the most important to embrace. So here we go.

 
I am grateful that I was never considered for the lead role as a child. The initial rejection has fuelled my desire to develop the skills I need to carry a show. If I was not initially rejected, maybe I would not now have this burning desire to succeed. My efforts have been acknowledged and appreciated. I was cast in the lead role in my third year university theatre production. Just this weekend I performed a staged reading of a one woman show, and kept the audience captivated for the entire 20 minutes. I have performed in several ensemble casts, and have performed as the lead in a feature and several short films. I have received so much positive feedback from both my teachers and those I’ve worked with regarding my ability. I am capable of being a lead.

I am grateful to have had the experience of being bullied in grade 8. That experience taught me a lot about myself. I am strong. Despite the rejection and ridicule from my peers as a child, I have grown into a strong, beautiful, and capable woman. The things that were said are and were not true. They came from a place of insecurity, and I forgive them for this. I love who I am. I am beautiful. Being desirable is not important. Entering into each day with the commitment to being the full expression of who I truly am is far more important. I am able to do this.

Although my perception is that I did not fit in when I was in school, I understand that this was not actually the case. I did have friends. It was my own fear of connection that gave me the feeling isolated me and not their beliefs that I was unworthy of their company. I no longer have this fear of connection. What makes me come most alive in connecting with people in my life with genuine curiosity. I love learning other’s stories. I love engaging in passionate discussions with my peers, and they enjoy engaging with me.

Wow. Okay. Wow.

That was an absolutely incredible exercise. I think that it might serve me to memorize these rewrites and return to them whenever I feel the pull to revert to the old stories. Looking at some of these old photos again is also a good reminder: so often the things we tell ourselves are actually not even remotely true.

“I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite” – Shane Koyzcan.

Your Turn

What are your victim stories? I challenge you to rewrite at least one of them. I’m not kidding. This was one of the most transformational exercises that I’ve done yet.

Here’s a tip: When rewriting, I’ve found that it is best to start with gratitude.