What is a breakthrough?

For me the stages of personal evolution ebb and flow between breakthrough and breakdown; exhaustion and stimulation; fear and bravery; certainty and doubt; confidence and self-hatred. Breakthrough periods are uncomfortable and I think they can last a long time. Weeks, months. Maybe they never stop. I hope that’s not the case.

Why do we need breakthroughs?

I think we enter breakthrough when we acknowledge that the way we’ve been approaching our lives is not producing the results that we want. We enter breakthrough when we decide to change, and change is scary because change challenges our identity. When we start messing with our internal dialogue we start messing with our beliefs. In breakthrough we are in a white room without support. Everything feels foreign and uncertain. You could drown in the silence, or you could make a new noise.

For me, the impulse to change usually comes after an exhausting push that doesn’t work out.

Bravery.

You need bravery to get out of breakthrough. You need bravery to embrace a new way of being in the world. You need bravery to trust in yourself and your intuition, and say no to everything that is no longer serving you, while at the same time being so frigging comfortable.

There it is again!! That word. Intuition.

Last weekend I went on a 3-day retreat in Bowen Island.

Our facilitator, Susan Gibson (my angel), guided myself and three other women – 3 other extremely successful women!! — through an immersive 3 part program of sorts for understanding ourselves and our patterns, and then exploring how we might evolve from there.

It started with us breaking down our personal mythology – the stories that we tell ourselves; the stories that make up our identity; the stories that influence – in a subconscious or unconscious way – every decision we make in our waking life.

After that we did a blank slate exercise, where we broke down 5 of our most signifiant relationships. These didn’t have to be with another person… in fact 3 of mine were with myself. I know that sounds self-centred, but – if I’m being honest with myself (and I try to be) — the relationship that I’ve neglected and abused most in my life is the relationship that I have to myself, my body, and my voice.

So I worked on this relationship this weekend. We were at Xenia in Bowen Island.

There was a tree there called Opa. A 1000 year old tree. Every time I got close to it I started to cry.

I journalled next to it, and examined my relationships. I examined the relationship that I have to my voice, and then I got up off my yoga mat and I started to sing next to that huge 1000 year old tree. I sang LOUD, imperfectly, and with a cathartic and determined joy.

I climbed up on one of its roots and I wrapped my arms around an 1/8th of its trunk. I was so small. Its trunk was layered with moss and wrinkled bark.

I can’t describe it accurately with words. I’m trying so hard to put the feeling of touching that bark into a sentence… but I’m erasing every one that I write. All that I can tell you is that this tree was majestic.

Being in the presence of a tree this old had the effortless power of sliding a knife through my beliefs. This tree was 1000 years old. I am 25. There is so much that I do not understand.

On the last day of the retreat we were asked to identify a personal vision for our lives. I won’t go too far into what I said – because for now I feel the need to sit and breathe with it – but I will share the 3 words that embody the vision that I have for my life and the way that I intend to make a difference. Those words are:

Creativity

Bravery

Femininity

I’m constantly changing things up in my life… but the more I change, the more different I feel, and then I can feel myself faking it… but faking it in a different direction. I’m faking it backwards. I’m actually developing a strange sort of confidence in myself, and I’m consistently succumbing to the urge to be nervous and uncertain… because that’s where I used to live and it’s comfy and safe.

Breakingthrough is illogical and scary. It’s also a very powerful place to be.

If you’re in breakdown, let’s support each other.  We will all experience many breakthroughs and breakdowns in our lives… and isn’t  it exciting to learn about what we’re actually capable of? On the other side of fear… who knows who we really are.

Who knows what kind of impact we can make.