Sometimes I feel powerless, angry, doubtful, and panicked. Will all this effort really amount to anything? How long will it take? I feel on the edge of breakthrough, but I’m afraid of who I will meet on the other side.

Actually, I’ve met her  and she’s wonderful. I think that’s usually the case whenever we get the opportunity to meet the effortless version of ourselves – remember those moments of true uninhibited joy in your life? The version of you that was living ‘that moment’ is the version I’m talking about.

I think it’s called ‘presence’

“Being present is thrilling, inspiring, absorbing, surprising, and even frightening, all at the same time. It is the energy you feel when you know you are alive, the energy of those moments that writers write about, singers sing about, and the dying remember on their death beds.” – Patsy Rodenburg, Second Circle

Thank you Patsy. I guess that’s what I’m talking about.

Here’s the problem: whenever that version appears I feel intimidated by her presence, and quickly retreat. She threatens the stories from my past by being something other than what I believe myself to be.

Does that make any sense?

The title for this blog post came to me as I was walking home from an incredible two hour workshop with Mercedes Baines.

She’s also my therapist.

I was having a little bit of trouble finding someone that I really clicked with; someone who could support my intensity, fear, and unstoppably curious mind. Mercedes caught my intensity and melted it in her hands. She calmed my striving energy and brought me quickly into the present. I cried within minutes of being in her office.

At the workshop last night, we were asked to identify 4 emotions that we had experienced in the preceding 24 hours, and then choose one to explore more deeply.

The emotion I chose was panic.

‘I feel like a butterfly waking up next to a cat,’ I said.

This journey is scary. I have failed so much. But I have also succeeded. But the failure. Ugh. How do you get used to the failure?

I don’t know, but the road ahead scares the shit out of me. I long for comfort, but right now I feel stranded away from home. ‘One step in front of the other’ – this is the phrase that runs on repeat in my mind like an obsession.

The walk home is a good metaphor. Sitting in a coffee shop and outside it starts to pour. Will the rain stop? How long can I wait? I’ve walked through the rain. It’s uncomfortable. Sometimes I have felt the intense desire to just stop, sit on the sidewalk, and sleep. But stopping myself won’t stop the rain.

I’m panicked because I’m afraid. When I’m not working, I’m afraid that I won’t get there but I have forgotten about the possibility of help.

Yes, we must always put one foot in front of the other, but more effort isn’t the answer we’re all so desperately seeking. Belief, confidence, trust… I think those are even more important.

I feel panicked because I’m afraid of drowning in the storm, but I forget about the countless times someone has floated by just as I was getting ready to give up.

Do you need some help?

Yes.

The journey is scary. Failure sucks…. but the soul does not strive to be whole. 15 hour days is not the answer to increasing my self-worth. There’s another way of doing things. I think that way of doing things is related more to connection and presence than anything else.

The most amazing things have been manifested in my life during periods of rest, play, and joy. I think there’s something to that, don’t you?

The workshop I attended with Mercedes was about breath and emotion. She has several more coming up:

Our Bodies Speak, but Can We Hear?
Snap it: Images of your body
The Body Project: Making play of your body’s knowing.

Learn more about the dates and times of these workshops by clicking here.

*I was not commissioned in anyway to advertise these workshops. I am sharing them because they are valuable, and if you have the opportunity to learn from Mercedes, I highly suggest embracing the opportunity.